August 31st 2024.
After receiving the call from my neurosurgeon, my mind was spinning with the news. The brain tumor was more aggressive than they initially thought and it was cancerous. At 36 years old, the thought of facing an incurable disease was terrifying. I couldn't help but feel devastated and afraid. But amidst all the emotions, there was also a familiar feeling of self-pity creeping in, a feeling that always seemed to accompany any hardships in my life.
In my mid-20s, I struggled with alcoholism and found myself in a downward spiral. I was constantly consumed by anger, sadness, and frustration, all fueled by the fact that I couldn't drink like everyone else. It was a cycle that I couldn't escape until I hit rock bottom and realized I needed to make a change.
But even after getting sober, I still found myself falling into the trap of self-pity. When my relationship ended and I moved back home, I was deeply depressed and felt like my life had gone completely wrong. It wasn't until I started attending therapy that I learned about the power of self-compassion.
My therapist helped me understand that it's normal to feel sad and disappointed by life's challenges, but I had turned this into a persistent pattern of self-pity that was only making me more miserable. She taught me to separate myself from the pain and to show myself kindness and empathy instead of anger and blame.
It wasn't an easy journey, but I slowly learned to change my internal narrative and approach life with a more hopeful attitude. When I was diagnosed with brain cancer and faced a summer of radiation and chemotherapy, I didn't shut down or wallow in self-pity. Instead, I accepted the difficult reality and showed myself compassion, giving strength to the part of me that was terrified.
I may not be able to control the outcome of my cancer, but I can control how I respond to it. I choose to drive down the path of self-compassion rather than the self-pity highway. And that has made all the difference.
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