September 25th 2024.
My childhood was far from traditional. It was a constant shuffle between living at home, being taken care of by relatives, and eventually being placed into foster care. My father had a history of violence and spent a significant amount of time in and out of prison. He even once broke my little sister's arm. On top of that, he found it amusing to get us all drunk, even when I was just a preteen. I remember one time he was giving us all shots of alcohol, but I secretly threw mine behind the sofa so I could take care of my younger siblings. My brother ended up unconscious and sick, lying in the dog bed. It was a chaotic and unstable environment, to say the least.
When my parents divorced, my mother quickly moved on to a new relationship. Unfortunately, this man turned out to be just as abusive. He ran me over with his car, dragged me under it, and even slammed my hand in the car door, breaking my finger. He also had me take Valium, which was meant for his daughter's seizures, in order to control me. It was a nightmare.
But the abuse didn't stop there. When I was a teenager, my mother brought a new man into our home, who would later become my stepfather. He had two adult children of his own, and I remember coming home from school one day to find all of my belongings had been moved out of my bedroom and replaced with his children's things. I was devastated and angry, and I ended up getting into a physical altercation with my mother. My stepfather then held me against the wall while my mother slapped me. He then dragged me upstairs and locked me in my room for a whole weekend with no food or water, until I apologized to my mother.
Eventually, my school counselor realized something was wrong and I was taken to a children's home for a few months. From there, I was sent to live with my paternal uncle, where my eldest brother was already living. But living there was not much better. My uncle was controlling and made me visit my father every month, even though I didn't want to. My aunt, on the other hand, accused me of being a sex worker and my brother even caught me coming out of the park one night and told my aunt. It was a toxic and abusive environment.
One night, my uncle came into my room and told me he hated me and that I was coming between him and my aunt. That was the last straw for me. I attempted to take my own life for the first time and ended up in the hospital. But despite everything, I decided to move back in with my mother. Looking back, I realize it was the worst decision I could have made.
My stepbrother, who was married with children, forced me into an abusive relationship. And when things got out of hand, my stepfather and mother kicked me out, blaming me for ruining his marriage. I was only a teenager and had nowhere to turn. I was forced to rely on my abuser for months. He continued to physically and emotionally abuse me, even running me over with his car and breaking my finger.
It's no surprise that after everything I went through with my family, I ended up estranged from all of them. And it wasn't just my immediate family, but my own children as well. It all came to a head when I saw them in public and realized I had been excluded from a family event. It triggered a deep emotional flashback of all the times I had been abandoned and mistreated by my family. I couldn't handle it anymore and attempted to take my life again. My children called the paramedics, but I refused to go to the hospital. My son refused to answer my texts and when I went to his home to confront him, he told me he didn't want to deal with my mental health problems. And just like that, I was completely estranged from every member of my family.
Being separated from my children has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. But looking back, I can't help but wonder why I didn't cut ties with my family a long time ago. I am now learning to heal from the trauma and abuse I endured throughout my childhood and into adulthood. And I am grateful for the opportunity to share my story and give a voice to others who have experienced estrangement in their own lives.
Growing up, my childhood was a tumultuous mix of living at home, being placed with relatives, and eventually being taken into the care system. It was a difficult and unstable time, with my father constantly in and out of prison for violent behavior. I have vivid memories of him breaking my little sister's arm and finding it entertaining to get us drunk.
One time, when I was just a preteen, he even went as far as giving us all shots of alcohol. I managed to hide mine behind the sofa so I could take care of my younger siblings. I vividly remember my brother being unconscious and sick on the dog bed. It was a chaotic and unpredictable environment.
My mother eventually divorced my father, but unfortunately, her new partner was no better. In fact, he was worse. He ran me over with his car, dragged me under it, and even slammed my hand in the car door, breaking my finger. He also had me take Valium, meant for his daughter's seizures, to try and control me.
One particularly traumatic incident stands out in my memory. It was a week before one of my teenage birthdays when I came home from school to find that all my belongings had been moved out of my room. Instead, there was a strange man and his two adult children living there. This man would later become my stepfather.
I was angry and confused, and I believe I even slapped my mother in the heat of the moment. My stepfather's response was to hold me against the wall while my mother slapped me. He then dragged me upstairs and locked me in my room for an entire weekend, without food or water, until I apologized to my mother.
It was clear that my home life was not a safe or healthy environment. My school counselor noticed something was wrong and I was taken to see a doctor and then placed in a children's home. From there, I was sent to live with my paternal uncle, where my older brother was already living.
Unfortunately, living with my uncle and aunt was not much better. My uncle was controlling and made me visit my father every month, despite my protests. My aunt was also controlling and accused me of being a sex worker when I was volunteering at a charity and coming home late. My uncle even told me he hated me and blamed me for causing problems between him and my aunt.
Feeling trapped and unwanted, I attempted to take my life for the first time. I was taken to the hospital and received treatment. It was then that I made the decision to move back in with my mother, hoping for a fresh start.
However, it turned out to be the worst decision I could have made. My stepbrother, who was older and married with children, forced me into an abusive relationship. And when my stepfather and mother found out, they kicked me out, blaming me for ruining their marriage.
I found myself relying on my stepbrother, my abuser, for shelter and support. He continued to harm me, running me over with his car, breaking my finger, and even giving me Valium to control me.
Despite all the trauma I had endured, I still longed for a relationship with my family. But that all changed when my adult son told me he didn't want to deal with my mental health issues in his everyday life. It was a year ago, and I haven't seen any of my six children since.
The last time I saw them was in public, and I realized I had been excluded from a family event. The emotional pain of feeling abandoned once again was too much for me to bear. After a lifetime of trauma and being told I was the problem, I couldn't take it anymore and attempted to take my life.
Even though my daughter called the paramedics, I refused to be hospitalized. As I watched my children follow the paramedics out of the door, I knew that was the end of our relationship.
I later tried to reach out to my son, but he refused to answer my texts. I even went to his home to ask why they had all chosen to exclude me, and that's when he told me he didn't want to deal with my mental health problems.
It's been a difficult journey, but I've come to realize that my estrangement from my children is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. But, in hindsight, I wonder why I didn't cut ties with my family a long time ago. After all the pain and trauma they caused me, it's clear that they were not healthy for me.
I wanted to share my story to give a voice to others who have experienced estrangement from their families. It's not a simple or one-size-fits-all situation, and I hope that by sharing my experience, I can offer a nuanced look at this complex issue.
If you have gone through estrangement and want to share your story, please email me at jess.email. Your voice deserves to be heard.
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