I asked a 20-year-old to come to my place, but I couldn't handle our 10-year age difference.

As Evan leaned in for another kiss, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted out the obvious truth - he was only 20 years old. I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable with the age difference between us, even though it wasn't something he could control. But as he eagerly counted down the days until his 21st birthday, I couldn't help but wonder if that magically made him more mature. He even tried to reassure me by saying that I didn't look much older than him, but I knew that my extensive beauty routine and healthy habits were doing their best to hide the almost 10-year gap between us.

Physically, Evan was a man - muscular, assertive, and undeniably horny. But when I looked at him, all I could think about was the power dynamic between us and the sense of responsibility I felt towards him. It was then that I realized I had been overestimating my ability to overlook his youth.

It all came to a head when Evan revealed his age to me. When he first messaged me, his profile didn't show his age, and he seemed so young and carefree. But as we exchanged messages, I asked him for his age and it turns out, I didn't want to hear the answer.

"You're a kid!" I exclaimed, taken aback by his response.

"What?" he replied, looking a bit hurt. "I really am 20! I can show you my ID."

His earnestness only solidified the fact that he was indeed a young man. And while it was endearing that he thought I didn't believe him, the truth was that I was struggling with the age gap between us. As I pushed aside my other concerns - like him still living with his mom and being in the closet - I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was more of a liability than a lover to him.

It was ironic, really. In the past, I had always been the younger one in my sexual encounters and relationships. At his age, I had slept with men in their 30s and I had considered myself just as grown as my erections. But as I entered a new decade myself, I realized that I had been far from emotionally ready to be with those men and understand their experiences.

Elizabeth Earnshaw, a relationship therapist and author, explained that I wasn't wrong to feel a sense of responsibility over Evan because, medically speaking, I was more mature than him. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and weighing consequences, isn't fully developed until the mid-20s. So while I'd like to think that sleeping with me was a great decision, I couldn't hold Evan to the same standard as myself.

That's why, at first, I turned him down. But what many people don't realize about relationships with big age gaps is that it's not always the older person who is the aggressor. In fact, it was Evan who was persistent and suggested video chatting to prove his age.

I couldn't help but laugh as I watched him try to look cool in his hoodie, slumped back like he was in a hip-hop music video. Despite myself, I found him cute and funny, and all of a sudden, my curiosity got the better of me. I saw my younger self in his determination.

"Fine, come over," I eventually said. "But we're not going to have sex."

But as we agreed to meet, I couldn't shake off the thought of my little brother, who was the same age as Evan. I wouldn't want my brother to be exposed to the more radical sides of gay culture or apps like Grindr, so why was I entertaining the idea with Evan?

On the other hand, I couldn't help but wonder - if people can make major life decisions like going to war, drinking, and voting at that age, why couldn't they also make the decision to be with someone much older?

Our interaction was supposed to be casual and fun, but it turned out to be anything but. Earnshaw explains that before the development of the prefrontal cortex, people are still in the "adolescent brain" stage, and I definitely didn't want that label attached to any of my lovers. So, I ultimately decided to send Evan home.

I knew that sleeping with him wouldn't be wrong, but it just didn't feel right for me and what I wanted. As I entered a new decade, my fantasies and desires had evolved, and I found myself questioning if my attraction was expanding beyond what I had previously thought.

For me, it ultimately came down to a specific type of power and suaveness that can only come from life experience and self-discovery. Evan still had a lot of life to live and lessons to learn before he could embark on that journey.

In the end, it's all about perspective. I couldn't hold Evan to the same standard as myself because our experiences and maturity levels were vastly different. And while our age gap may have been a factor in our decision not to pursue a relationship, it didn't change the fact that I was attracted to him and enjoyed our time together.

*Name has been changed.

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