August 30th 2023.
When I ended a nine-year relationship in 2020, I knew I had to start therapy. But, as someone who is more comfortable at the dentist than discussing their emotions, it was not easy for me to do. However, I was lucky to find a therapist who was patient and understanding, and made me feel comfortable and safe from day one.
Over nearly two years of weekly sessions, I grew really attached to them and the routine. I knew I always had a safe space to discuss the stuff I would keep back from everyone else. So, when I received an email from them one afternoon informing me that, due to serious health issues, they were ceasing sessions with immediate effect, I was blindsided.
My therapist and I had talked a few times about the eventual end. But I never thought our relationship would end so abruptly without warning and a proper goodbye. With an irony I came to appreciate in time, I realised the situation was playing on one of the fears that led me to counselling in the first place: that everyone I’m close to and care about will eventually leave me.
At that moment, with my emotions heightened, it seemed as if my reluctance to trust others had been validated. It was a bit like a breakup; I felt angry, sad and confused. I was down for weeks and worried that the situation would reverse some of the progress I’d made. I archived the email the day I received it. I didn’t respond to it because I couldn’t find the words to say what I needed to.
It wasn’t until months later that I felt strong enough to reread it, and it still made me emotional. I couldn’t reply. I eventually felt comfortable contacting my therapist’s supervisor to ask if the situation had changed. They informed me that they weren’t resuming sessions.
My family were great, but they couldn’t fully understand how I was feeling – and I didn’t know anyone else who had gone through this. So, I turned to Google. I found a lot of articles about how to break up with your therapist, but there was very little about having sessions terminated unexpectedly. It left me wondering how many others have experienced similar.
The experience hasn’t changed my mind about the benefits, but it has made me cautious about approaching it again. How do you replace the trust built-up over nearly two years with someone? Starting from scratch seemed less than desirable, and I now had the added worry the same thing would happen with a new therapist.
I still don’t find it easy to trust others and let them in because I find goodbyes difficult. In society, we talk a lot about accessing therapy and starting the process, which is great. But, do we need to shed more light on navigating the end? And if the ending is abrupt, difficult, or unexpected, can it damage some of the repair work done?
I will be forever grateful to my therapist for the nearly two years of sessions I had with them. Their wise words remain a source of support to this day. I'm working on being more open, though, and hopefully, I will be able to find a new therapist that I can trust and rely on in the future.
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