September 18th 2024.
Sex parties may be seen as taboo or scandalous by some, but for many, they are about building a community, establishing trust, and forming genuine friendships. While the idea of attending a sex party may bring to mind images of anonymous hook-ups and BDSM, for a growing number of people, these events have become a space to create meaningful connections beyond just a kinky encounter.
I can attest to this firsthand as I have made several good friends at warehouse play parties. I remember my first time attending one alone in the summer of 2022. I was nervous that I would feel out of place or awkward at what is essentially an orgy. I had previously attended a couple of events with a group and had already made friends with some regular attendees, so I was hoping they would be there. However, upon arriving, I realized that I didn't know anyone and felt lost.
Thankfully, I spotted a familiar face in the crowd - someone I followed on Instagram but had never met in person. They were also exploring the party by themselves, so I mustered up the courage to approach them on the dance floor. We chatted and danced for a while before exploring the rest of the party together. Even though my new friend had to leave early, we hit it off so well that we promised to keep in touch and hang out again.
Now, we regularly chat on Instagram, sharing queer memes and discussing our lives. Whenever we happen to be in the same city, we make an effort to meet up and attend events together. It's always a blast to see each other, and it feels like we just pick up where we left off.
Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator and trainee sex therapist, has also formed strong friendships through sex parties. She recalls attending a 14-person orgy at the now-defunct London play party Crossbreed, where she ended up getting to know several of her orgy-peers after the event. Leanne admits that she enjoys asking people for their names after having sex with them, and from there, a friendship blossomed between her and four of them. She recently met up with one of the couples at Brighton Pride, where she got to meet their new baby and celebrate their journey into queer, polyamorous parenthood.
"We live in different cities, but we enjoy getting together to try out new parties," Leanne explains. "As we're all non-monogamous, a big part of our friendship is discussing who we're dating and our relationships, as well as talking about polyamory in general."
According to Emma Sayle, the founder of Killing Kittens - a play-positive get-together, sex parties are not just about sex. At their core, they are about community, trust, and friendship with like-minded individuals. While many may attend these parties for the erotic aspect, forming platonic connections is also a key draw.
"As long as they are run safely and respectfully, sex parties can provide an atmosphere where you can be your authentic self without fear of judgment or stigma," says kink-aware therapist Amy Sutton. "It's a safe space and supportive community to explore your sexual and social self, surrounded by others who share your values."
As Amy points out, humans have an innate need for connection, and any activity that brings people together through a shared interest - whether it's a love for running or being tied up and spanked - will inevitably become a space for finding platonic intimacy. It's no surprise that the rise in sex parties coincided with the end of lockdown, as more and more people are seeking out community and connection in response to the growing levels of loneliness.
Lou, 34, was first introduced to sex parties by friends after coming out as bisexual. Now a regular attendee, Lou is also an organizer within the London kink and polyamory scene. "What I like about these spaces is that you can chat with anyone without feeling judged," Lou shares. "It's the social norm to say hi to anyone. I almost treat these parties like a community center."
Lou has formed a close network of friends through these events and explains how people often bond over shared experiences of marginalization, leading to the organization of support groups and networks. In fact, when a regular in the scene passed away a few months ago, the community came together to organize a vigil in their honor.
For anyone curious about attending a sex party alone, Lou suggests looking for pre-drinks or mixers beforehand to find people to attend the party with. These are often thrown by the event or unofficially in nearby venues, where both regulars and newcomers can get to know each other with their clothes still on.
Leanne also stresses that sex parties offer a unique opportunity for people to open up and connect on a deeper level than at other events or clubs. "I tend to spend most of my time in the smoking area, meeting people and having interesting conversations," she shares. "Because people are naked, there's a sense of openness and vulnerability that you don't often find at other events."
I, too, experienced this at my first play party. After my friend left for the night, I spent the rest of my time perched on a wall in the smoking area, talking to people about the play scene and the friendships that can be formed through it. Now, whenever I attend play parties or non-sexual meetups called "munches," I look forward to catching up with the friends I have made through the scene. And if I also happen to meet someone to play with and chat with, well, that's just the cherry on top.
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