January 22nd 2024.
According to research, there are certain behaviors that can predict the likelihood of divorce in a marriage. If your relationship has been less than perfect lately, there may be some patterns you should pay attention to and address before they lead to separation. One expert in the field, Dr. John Gottman, has become known as "the guy that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy" due to his extensive research on marital stability and separation over the years. Along with his team at the Gottman Institute, he has observed thousands of couples arguing in his lab and has identified four key behaviors that can indicate when a divorce may be looming. These behaviors have been referred to as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", taken from the depiction of the end of times in the New Testament. According to Gottman's research, when these behaviors are present in a marriage without any attempts at repair, couples tend to divorce an average of 5.6 years after getting married. However, when they appear later in a marriage and are a result of emotional withdrawal and anger, couples tend to divorce an average of 16.2 years after the wedding. So, what are these four signs of divorce?
The first behavior is criticism, which refers to stating complaints as if they are defects in your partner's personality. An example of this could be saying "You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish." The second behavior, contempt, is actually the strongest predictor of divorce according to Gottman. It involves making statements from a position of superiority, such as "You're an idiot." The third behavior is defensiveness, which is when someone tries to protect themselves by acting like a victim or becoming angry. An example of this could be saying "It's not my fault we're always late, it's your fault." The fourth and final behavior is stonewalling, which is when someone emotionally withdraws from a conversation and doesn't give any nonverbal signals that they are listening to the other person.
Did you know? Some of the most common reasons for divorce after decades together include infidelity, lack of intimacy, addiction, neglecting the relationship, and simply growing apart. But even if these behaviors are present in your marriage, it's not too late to turn things around. According to Dee Holmes, a relationship counselor and clinical service manager at Relate, recognizing these behaviors can be helpful because it gives you the opportunity to address them and make positive changes.
If you find yourself exhibiting these behaviors, Dee suggests taking a step back and reflecting on what may be causing them in your marriage. Are you feeling angry, frustrated, or irritated? When did these feelings start and what would make you happier in your relationship? Often, these behaviors stem from a fear of vulnerability and addressing the real issues in a marriage requires expressing parts of ourselves that we may feel less confident about or relinquishing control.
Dee also recommends using "I" statements in conversations with your partner, rather than blaming them. For example, saying "I feel upset about X" instead of "You always upset me." This can also be helpful if your partner is exhibiting these behaviors. By expressing your concerns in a non-accusatory way, you may be able to spark more open communication. However, if the issues are too complex, it may be beneficial to seek out a marriage counselor who can provide a neutral perspective.
While open communication can be a powerful tool in working through issues in a marriage, there are some instances where these red flags should not be ignored. Dee warns that these behaviors can sometimes be signs of gaslighting or coercive control, especially if there is a constant undermining of one partner's feelings. So, it's important to be aware of what these red flags may signify and address them with your partner, or seek outside help if necessary.
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