September 19th 2024.
When I reflect on my childhood, it feels like I am looking at someone else's life. I often feel like I am stuck outside, unable to change the events that unfolded. If I could, I would tell my younger self that she didn't have to go through what she did. But at the time, I didn't know any better.
Growing up with technologically-savvy parents, I was always taught to be cautious online. They told me to come to them if I ever felt worried about anything. However, all that advice seemed to fade away when I turned 13. I was drawn to social media and connecting with others who shared my interests. That's how my abuser, who I will refer to as Kyle, first made contact with me. He had a profile picture of a Dr. Who character and commented on one of my tweets about a concert I had attended. From there, he messaged me directly, telling me that we had a lot in common and that his name was Kyle.
At first, our conversations were innocent, but then Kyle asked for a picture of my face. I didn't understand why, but I sent one anyway. In return, he sent me a picture of an older man. When I questioned him, he quickly backtracked and said that he had meant to say he had children the same age as me. He also mentioned how he had been judged based on his looks and urged me not to do the same. I was scared, but I trusted him. I had opened up to him about my insecurities and family problems, and he used that information to gain my trust.
But it didn't take long for things to take a dark turn. Within a few weeks, Kyle started making sexual requests and threatened to share my secrets if I didn't comply. I felt trapped and didn't know what to do. I was only 14, and he was taking advantage of my vulnerabilities.
One day, Kyle sent me a picture of himself in his boxers, claiming it was an accident. I didn't believe him, especially when he followed it up by asking me if I thought he looked good. I was uncomfortable, but I didn't know how to say no. I was afraid of what he might do if I didn't comply. So, I fell into his carefully laid trap and sent him a picture in return.
As time went on, Kyle's requests became more and more extreme. He even asked for my address so that he could send me "gifts." At first, it was just fan merchandise, but then he sent me a sexual toy and told me I had to learn how to use it. I was confused and scared, but I didn't want him to share the explicit photos he already had of me with my friends and family.
For over two years, I was trapped in a vicious cycle of abuse and torment. I felt like there was no way out, and I was constantly living in fear of what Kyle might do next. I couldn't even tell my own mother the truth because I was afraid he would share my images with everyone.
It wasn't until I was around 17 that the abuse finally stopped. But by then, the damage had already been done. I suffered from PTSD and struggled with intimacy and my body image. It took me over 10 years to realize that what had happened to me was sexual abuse.
I finally found the courage to seek help and was diagnosed with PTSD. But when I contacted the police, they told me that they couldn't pursue the case because I was no longer in contact with Kyle. It was a difficult realization, but it pushed me to share my story and raise awareness about online sexual abuse.
Today, I use my social media platform to empower others and let them know that they are not alone. I share my story and advocate for change, hoping to prevent others from going through what I did. My life now revolves around my two children, and I am learning to trust and feel safe again.
More than a decade after my abuse ended, I am finally able to speak out and help others who have experienced similar trauma. I am part of an amazing Lived Experience Group with the Marie Collins Foundation, where I can make a difference alongside other survivors.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that she will get through this and that she is not alone. I want all young people to know that they are not in the wrong and that there is always someone who will listen and support them. And most importantly, I want them to know that they have a choice, and they don't have to do anything they are not comfortable with.
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