August 18th 2024.
Human-like Text:
Emma shared her experience of the intense emotions she felt during breastfeeding, saying that the mere act of nipple stimulation made her feel like she wanted to end her life. She vividly remembers the first time her newborn daughter latched onto her breast, and how a wave of indescribable feelings washed over her. It felt like a thousand bugs were crawling up her legs, and she was overcome with shame, sadness, and an urge to cry out for her own mother's comfort.
As her daughter, Melody, continued to nurse on and off, Emma noticed that the intense emotions also came and went with each feeding session. She initially attributed it to her hormones, the aftermath of major surgery, and the disappointment of a difficult weekend spent in an assessment ward that ended in an unexpected C-section. However, she soon realized that there was more to it than that.
Emma had discovered she was pregnant in late 2021, and despite only trying for a few months, she and her partner were overjoyed to be blessed with a child without any struggles. While the thought of pregnancy and childbirth didn't scare her, Emma's history of poor mental health, along with her own battles with clinical depression and anxiety, led her to be assigned a mental health midwife. She attended regular appointments with her until the month of her expected delivery, hoping for a smooth and successful breastfeeding experience.
Unfortunately, Emma's pregnancy hit a major pothole at 36 weeks when a growth scan showed that her baby was already measuring over 7lbs. This was followed by another scan two weeks later, which showed the baby to be well over 9lbs. This was concerning, as a healthy term baby would typically only weigh around 5-6lbs at this stage, gaining about 1lb per week until birth. Emma's dreams of a midwife-led water birth in a calming lavender mist were shattered when a consultant decided that she couldn't possibly go past her due date and scheduled an induction for the day before.
The induction process was excruciating for Emma, as a pessary and two doses of gel meant to encourage dilation did nothing for her. She spent hours strapped to a monitor, unable to move, and after a weekend of no progress and multiple painful vaginal examinations, she begged for a C-section to end the ordeal. Her daughter, Melody, was born perfectly healthy, but Emma was left feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and determined to breastfeed her child.
However, breastfeeding did not go as planned. Emma's first few attempts were disastrous, leaving her in tears and feeling an intense darkness she couldn't explain. Even after multiple 'starter' bottles of formula, Emma refused to give up. With the help of a friend who successfully breastfed her own child, Emma attempted to pump and was amazed at the amount of milk she was able to produce. But as she sat there, she couldn't shake the overwhelming sadness and even felt like jumping out the window of their top-floor flat. As soon as she stopped pumping, she returned to her normal self.
Emma later asked her friend if she ever felt sad while breastfeeding, but her friend misunderstood and shared that she often cried over small things since her child's birth. Emma was then seen by her midwife on day five, where she tried to explain the intense emotions she felt during breastfeeding, but no one seemed to understand. Her midwife simply wrote down that Emma didn't like the feeling of breastfeeding.
On day seven, Emma's husband found an article online about Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, a rare condition where women experience intense emotions before releasing milk. Emma immediately felt seen and validated, knowing she wasn't a terrible mother or going insane. However, there was no information or support available, and she was discharged from the mental health team with no treatment other than a suggestion to stop breastfeeding.
Although she was frustrated by the lack of resources, Emma found comfort in knowing that her condition had a name and was a real thing. She was finally able to make peace with formula and was grateful for the help and support she received. Two years later, her daughter is thriving, but Emma is determined to raise awareness of Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex and reassure other women who may experience it that they are not alone or crazy. She hopes to help other mothers going through the same struggles she did and bring attention to this often overlooked issue.
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