July 8th 2024.
Have you ever heard of tolyamory? It's a term coined by relationship podcaster Dan Savage, which combines the words "tolerate" and "polyamory". Basically, it refers to a relationship dynamic where one or both partners are okay with their partner having sexual or romantic relationships outside of their own. It's like a non-consensual form of non-monogamy.
Fiona* is someone who knows all too well about this type of relationship. She says, "I genuinely like him and I love the guy, but the concept of fidelity doesn't seem to matter much in our marriage." She's been in a tolyamorous relationship for some time now.
According to clinical relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Bishop, this type of dynamic is actually quite common. She says, "It's difficult to determine the exact prevalence, but the likelihood is that it is more common than one might expect, since it challenges societal norms and is therefore less openly spoken about."
Fiona's situation is a perfect example of this. Despite her husband's aversion to his own father's infidelity, he himself has had multiple affairs. Fiona has chosen to tolerate it, telling him, "I just don't want to know." She's willing to look past his infidelity as long as he doesn't bring home any STDs or get anyone pregnant.
But is this type of relationship healthy? Psychologist Sarah says it's subjective. It really depends on the individuals involved and their specific circumstances. She emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication, consent, and the well-being of all parties involved in any type of non-monogamous relationship.
Tolyamory is often compared to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) approach to infidelity in monogamous relationships. However, Sarah points out that there is a key difference between the two. Tolyamory is non-consensual, while DADT involves a mutual agreement to not discuss or disclose outside relationships.
So why do people settle for this type of relationship dynamic? For the partner who is cheating, it could stem from a desire for novelty or emotional connections outside of their primary relationship. On the other hand, the partner who is tolerating the infidelity may be motivated by a fear of losing the relationship, low self-esteem, or practical considerations.
Regardless of the reasons, it's important for both partners to recognize and honor their own emotions and needs in these situations. Signs of being in a tolyamorous relationship may include feelings of discomfort, insecurity, or betrayal arising from your partner's outside involvement without your consent. If you find yourself in this type of relationship, seeking guidance from a qualified therapist can provide valuable support and guidance.
And if you suspect your partner is being unfaithful, trust your gut instincts and look out for changes in behavior, increased secrecy, lack of intimacy, and unexplained absences. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and make decisions that align with your values and needs.
In the end, everyone's motivations for being in a tolyamorous relationship will be different. But whether you're in one or not, it's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner and to prioritize consent and respect in any type of relationship.
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