July 6th 2024.
I remember that night at the pub with my new colleagues like it was yesterday. It was a much-needed break from the endless diaper changes and Bluey reruns. I was excited to socialize and get back into the swing of things professionally. But then, one of my colleagues asked me a question that made my heart sink. "Why did you choose to come back to work full-time? Didn't you consider going part-time?" I immediately knew what she was implying - that I shouldn't be here, that I should be at home with my baby.
It was my first networking event after my maternity leave of eight months, and I couldn't help but feel like I was being judged. Not necessarily for coming back to work "early," but just for coming back at all. It made me feel terrible and then angry, especially knowing that no one would question my daughter's father if he were in the same position.
But here's the thing - I love my job, and I want to advance my career. And I am tired of being shamed for that. My partner and I had talked about having a baby for a long time before we made the decision to start trying. We discussed finances, space, and even childcare options. But one thing we didn't really discuss was maternity leave or returning to work.
To our surprise, we got pregnant within the first month of trying. Throughout my pregnancy, I felt physically well, but I was riddled with anxiety. This was only made worse when we found out our baby had a single umbilical artery, which increased my chances of developing preeclampsia and could affect the baby's growth and development.
In August of 2022, our daughter was born. It was a difficult birth, and both she and I had to be monitored for the next two days as her heart rate dropped during labor. But when she finally arrived, I experienced a love and pride like never before, without any fear.
Unfortunately, I only received statutory maternity leave and pay, which meant we had to tighten our finances. Surviving on just £155 a week, taking a year off was not an option for me. So I knew I had to go back to work.
For the first few months, I made sure to get out of the house at least once a day. It wasn't that I missed working, but I missed the social aspect and the routine that came with it. Before going on maternity leave, I had been casually looking for a new job. So after giving birth, I continued my job search and eventually accepted a new offer. Not only was it more flexible, but it also paid more, and I couldn't pass up on the opportunity.
The first month back at work was challenging, especially since I was still breastfeeding. I had to juggle my job and my family, often pumping in the office or on trains to make sure my partner and family could feed the baby while I worked. One day, I came home at 6 pm, crying while rocking my daughter to sleep. I felt so guilty for leaving her.
And then came that networking event. I had been back at work for about two months, and things were finally starting to feel easier for both me and my daughter. But when my colleague asked me that question, it took me back to feeling guilty for leaving my child in the first place. I became upset and then angry.
I explained to her that I was fortunate to have a partner and family who could help with childcare. But this was not the last time I had to defend my decision. A few months later, I took my one-year-old daughter to a toddler playgroup, where one of the moms asked, "Didn't you want to take the full year off to be with her?" Once again, I had to explain that my job offered more inclusive and family-friendly policies that would benefit me in the long run. But in reality, I had to work to make ends meet.
It's not just me - one in five parents have considered leaving their jobs or reducing their hours due to childcare costs. And despite an increase in government childcare funding, a third of mothers in England still cite childcare costs and availability as a hindrance to their return to work, compared to just 11.9% of fathers.
Recently, parenting influencer Tiffany Chesson posted a video on TikTok, criticizing parents who "abuse" flexible working-from-home policies by looking after their kids at the same time. It was frustrating for two reasons - it's just not true, and it comes from a place of privilege, especially when families are facing financial challenges.
I couldn't afford to work full-time and pay for five days of childcare a week. And I know I'm not alone in this. But with inclusive working policies, I have the opportunity to work while still prioritizing my daughter. These kinds of comments, whether from Chesson, my colleagues, or the moms at the playgroup, only shame working mothers who have no other choice but to work and care for their children.
Instead of judging us or asking why we come back to work "early," we should support women who want to advance their careers and raise a family. This means advocating for inclusive policies, addressing rising childcare costs, and promoting a positive culture in the workplace where all women can thrive personally and professionally.
It frustrates me that in this day and age, working moms are still judged for wanting to provide for their children and themselves. And yes, I plan to advance my career while also growing my family. And that's okay. It's my decision, and if people want to judge me for it, then they will. But we should be supporting and uplifting each other, not tearing each other down.
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