I watched the presidential debate the other night and went to bed aghast that the future President of the United States may be elected based on — wait for it — a candidate’s golf handicap.
“I’m a six or an eight. I used to be really good and I turned down the Naval Academy,” sayeth Joe. “I’m a two and won several club championships,” said Don. Total nonsense.
For non-golfers, a “handicap” is the number of strokes awarded to a golfer to adjust his score to par for that course. It is determined by submitting a series of scores to be assessed and run through the US Golf Association handicap black box.
When someone is assigned a “6” you could rightfully interpret that if given 6 strokes (on specific holes, mind you), that golfer would score within a couple strokes of par.
So, if par is 72 and you are a 6, we should expect that golfer to turn in a scorecard with a 78 on it.
You may recall the presidential debate devolved into a dick measuring contest as to the candidates’ golf handicap with Joe Biden claiming a 6 and then an 8 and Trump suggesting he played to a 2. Huh?
Very funny, dear reader. Here is my modest proposal.
For the September debate — Presidential Debate No 2 — instead of another shit show with silly rules on a partisan network with a couple of Trump hating hacks (I think they did a good job, BTW), let’s have Joe and Don settle it in a manly manner — mano-a-mano — out on the golf course.
I propose a reputable municipal golf course such a Lions Municipal in Austin By God Texas opened in 1924 by the Austin Lions Club, a favorite of Ben Hogan, where Tom Kite and Ben Crenshaw learned the game, and desegrated in 1950 long before Brown v Board of Education.
1. Don will be teamed up with Phil Mickelson as his coach whilst Joe will have Tiger Woods — this is based on racial diversity and we all know Dems are more supportive of black folks including black/Thai billionaires who happen to play golf.
2. Each team will have a player, coach, caddy, driver, and spokesman/woman/person. Uniforms of course, caps, and a brand.
3. Team Trump will have Phil as the coach, Ivanka/Barron as the caddy, son Eric as driver, and son — what the Hell is the other son’s name — oh, yeah, Don Junior, as the spokesman. Solid team?
Melania and the other Trump wives and girlfriends will be getting a mani-pedi and a deep tissue masage during the match.
4. Team Biden will have Tiger as coach, Hunter as caddy, Kamala as driver, and First Lady Jill as spokesman. Solid team?
Team Biden will be authorized to use enhanced performance inducing drugs (except for Hunter). Let’s be fair here.
Team Trump will be sporting fresh spray on tans.
5. Play on each hole will be initiated from the senior men’s tees — the shortest on the course — and there will be best of seven coin flips to determine who has the honors on the first hole. Charlemagne Da God will manage the coin flip.
Each individual coin flip will be sponsored by a tech company currently being sued for monopolistic behavior at the price of $10,000,000. This is why it’s best of seven, y’all.
6. During the course of play, Joe or Don may have their coach hit their drive twice, but only on par 5s.
7. On each hole there will be three questions from the opposing player on a single topic. The questions will be answered after the tee shot, after the second shot, and before putting. The topics — but not the questions — will be known to each team, so we will have nine topics in total.
Candidates answering questions will use a bullhorn and each hole will have a sound system.
8. As each topic is put forth, the other player will answer the same question on the corresponding hole on the back nine — Hole No 2 questions will be in play on Hole No 11. Get it?
9. A written transcript will be provided immediately on all answers and they will be immediately fact checked by Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pompeo (who would actually make a great President) — where the Hell has Mike been anyway?
Here are some important details:
1. There will be 500 10,000 spectators from each team on the course and they will all dress the same in team brand uni jumpsuits with caps. After the match there will be a tug of war between the two camps over a large pond with alligators. All participants will wear life jackets.
In addition to the team spectators, there will be a pool of 180,00 illegal aliens (10,000 per hole) guarded by the Border Patrol agents on horseback who will run across each fairway just before each player hits the ball. These illegal aliens will receive a debit card with $10,000 on it from the proceeds of the high tech company fees –see #5 above.
2. Spectators will receive free beer and weed starting 2 hours before the tee time. The weed will be One Hit High, a popular Colorado brand that provides a quick high, a long mellow flight, and a slow descent from on high.
The beer will be Rolling Rock and a craft beer to be voted upon on Insta.
The Masters crustless white bread chicken and pimento cheese sandwiches will be free to the spectators as well as veggie wraps.
3. In deference to the ages of the candidates, the match will be played over two days and scored on both a medal and a match play methodology meaning total score for the entire 18 holes and on a hole-by-hole basis.
The objective is to make it as confusing as possible with the recount going to the Supreme Court of the United States on an expedited basis.
4. Upon completion Fox News will critique Joe Biden’s performance and MSNBC will critique Donald Trump’s performance. Critiques will be limited to 30 minutes.
5. During the match, the US Air Force will provide an impenetrable air cap over the golf course with attack choppers and Lockheed-Martin F-35 Lightning IIs with electronic warfare packages that will take down the Internet locally during the match.
6. Players will walk the first 10′ from the tee (while cameras are rolling) and will be deposited within 10′ of their ball. Carts will be eight passenger vehicles with first aid kits.
7. During the match there will be “man on the course” interviews asking spectators, “How do you think your candidate is doing?”
The 10 best interviews will receive $10,000 paid for by the high tech companies as noted above.
8. During the match there will be fat guys with crew cuts in leather g-strings toting the scoreboards at every tee and green.
9. Once during the match, a candidate can scream “Switch” and the other candidate has to play with the other candidates’ clubs.
10. If the running illegals mash a candidates’ ball into the fairway, the candidate can lift, clean, and place his ball.
OK, sorry, dear reader. Here’s the bottom line:
THERE WILL BE NO SECOND DEBATE
