November 10th 2023.
We have all grown up dreaming of the perfect romantic partner. We have been sold the idea of a prince charming or a damsel in distress from the movies and bedtime stories. We have been taught to believe that the perfect person is out there, and that all we need to do is find them in the world of 8 billion people.
In my experience as a dating coach, however, I believe that this notion needs to be detoxed from our systems if we are to find love. It is much healthier to recognise that there may be many “ones”, and it is timing and location that determine who we are with.
Most of the advice around dating is on finding The One. We are told to chase them, hold on to them and follow a game plan to attract them. We are told to trust that the universe will send us the right person, and give up our agency to wait for the stars to align.
But what if there isn’t just one special person out there for everyone? What if, in a far more likely scenario, there are multiple people that we could build a beautiful life with, and it is only down to timing and location which one we end up with?
If you have been dumped, divorced or widowed, believing in The One means that you have two choices. The first is to believe that they weren’t The One. The second is to believe that they were The One, and you are now going to be single for the rest of your life.
Alternatively, you could accept that the person was The One for that particular time in your life. You could take the positives from the relationship and the learnings from it, and move forward with more knowledge and experience.
We may even come to realise that what we miss is the experiences of the relationship itself, not necessarily the person we were in the relationship with. These characteristics can be found in another, and the experiences recreated and built upon with someone else.
When it comes to dating, our expectations may be unrealistic. We imagine a love story where we feel an instant spark and the night ends with love’s first kiss. However, the reality - as most online daters will tell you - is that the messages can drag on and on, before it eventually just fizzles out or the date quickly becomes a disappointment.
Could it be that the pressure of finding The One is what is making dating so hard? That by buying into this notion, we are setting expectations that no prospective partners will ever live up to?
My advice is to give up looking for The One, and start looking for The Ones instead. Go on dates with an open mind – as an experience to meet someone new. Relax and enjoy their company, and ask yourself if you want to see them again. You never know, the more time you give them could make them a One.
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