May 29th 2024.
This week, our beloved agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to offer her sage advice on a variety of reader conundrums. From navigating friendships after having a baby, to deciphering mixed signals in a relationship, and even finding love in your 40s, Em has got you covered. So, without further ado, let's dive into this week's questions and Em's wise words.
Dear Em, I am facing a tricky situation with our landlord who seems to have a bit of a crush on my husband. My husband and I have been married for 50 years, and while we did go through a rough patch in our second year due to infidelity, we have since moved past it and have a strong, committed marriage. However, I can't help but notice that our landlady, who is around the same age as us, has been acting a bit too familiar with my husband. She hugs him when I'm not around and openly flirts with him. During her last visit to pick up the rent, she even made a point to sit close to my husband and unbuttoned her dress to reveal her cleavage. My husband insists that he is not interested in her, but he refuses to confront her as he fears she might kick us out of our beloved home. I'm feeling anxious and unsure about how to handle this situation. Am I overreacting?
First of all, I want to commend you for recognizing the root of the problem, which is your landlady's behavior, not your husband's. It seems like he has been nothing but loyal and committed to your marriage, and while forgiveness is not always easy, it's important to leave the past in the past and move forward. As for the situation with your landlady, it's understandable that it's causing you distress. However, it's crucial to remember that her actions are her own and have nothing to do with you or your husband. The best thing you can do is to maintain open communication with your husband and make sure you both are on the same page. If your husband fears confronting her might jeopardize your living situation, then at least you know that your marriage is solid and that you have nothing to worry about. Trust in your husband and the love and commitment you have for each other. If it becomes too much to handle, then it's important to find a way to communicate your boundaries to your landlady, and if necessary, seek out alternative living options. Good luck.
Dear Em, I am worried about my partner's mental health. He has been struggling with anxiety and depression, and he recently confided in me that it has been getting worse since we got together. He assures me that it has nothing to do with our relationship, but I can't help but feel guilty. He has mentioned that he was not happy in his previous relationships, which makes me wonder if I have somehow caused his mental health to deteriorate. How can I be sure that I am not the cause of his struggles?
It's understandable that you are feeling guilty and worried about your partner's mental health. However, it's important to remember that you cannot make someone else happy. Happiness comes from within, and while we can support and love our partners, we cannot be responsible for their well-being. It's possible that your partner's mental health struggles were present before you got together, and it's not your fault. The best thing you can do is be there for him, support him, and encourage him to seek professional help if needed. Remember, his happiness is not your responsibility, but being there for him and showing him love and understanding can make a positive impact on his mental health. Keep the lines of communication open and trust in your relationship. All the best.
This week, our dear Em Clarkson is tackling a common problem - an overly familiar landlord. As Metro's agony aunt, Em is always here to offer sage advice and solve your problems. This week, she's addressing issues such as maintaining friendships after having a baby, dealing with relationship mixed-signals, and finding love in your 40s. So, let's dive into this week's reader conundrums and get some valuable advice from Em.
Dear Em, I have been married to my husband for 50 years, and while our marriage has been mostly happy, there was infidelity in our second year. However, I forgave my husband and he has been completely committed to our marriage ever since. Despite this, I can't help but feel anxious and insecure because I constantly notice women coming on to him. Our landlady, who is around our age and married, is a particular problem. She often hugs my husband when I'm not around and openly flirts with him.
During her last visit to collect rent, she sat very close to my husband, with her back to me. I noticed her fidgeting with her dress, but didn't think much of it. However, when she got up to leave, I saw that she had unbuttoned her dress and her cleavage and bra were visible. My husband says he's disgusted by her behavior, but he refuses to confront her because he's afraid she'll kick us out of our home. He also doesn't want me to cause trouble, so he expects me to stay quiet. I know my past insecurities from his infidelity play a role in my hypervigilance, but am I overreacting to our landlady's flirtatious behavior? It's eating me up inside not to stand up for our marriage, even if her own marriage has no boundaries.
Em, you did a great job of identifying the real problem here - it's not your husband, it's your landlady. While your husband may have caused you some doubts in the early years of your marriage, it seems he has been loyal and committed to you for the past four decades. I may not believe in the "forgive and forget" approach, but I do believe in leaving the past behind and moving on. Resentment is like a poison, and for our own sake, we need to learn to let go of it. That means separating your husband's past mistakes from the current situation.
It's clear that your intuition about your landlady is spot on, and she is indeed flirting with your husband. However, that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to have an affair with him. She may just enjoy the attention or have her own insecurities. Whatever her reasons may be, this has nothing to do with you or your husband, and everything to do with her. The most important thing you can do is to keep an open line of communication with your husband about the situation. If he's right and confronting her could risk your living situation, at least you and your husband can be on the same page, and that's all that really matters.
I understand that your past experiences may make you doubt your husband's loyalty, but give him some credit. He has learned from his mistake, and he wouldn't risk everything you have for this woman. It may just be a matter of tolerating her behavior, knowing that both you and your husband are on the same page. However, if it's too much for you to handle, discuss with your husband and find a way to communicate your boundaries with your landlady. And if all else fails, you can always look for a new place with the help of local estate agents. I wish you the best of luck.
Now, on to our next reader conundrum.
Dear Em, my partner has been struggling with severe anxiety and depression, and it seems to be getting worse over time. He recently shared with me that his mental health has been at its worst since we got together. He assures me that it has nothing to do with our relationship, and he's happy with me. However, I can't help but feel like I have added to his problems. He has told me how unhappy he was in his previous relationships, but then how could his mental health be worse with them? I love him and want to support him, but I can't shake off this feeling that I am the cause of his struggles.
My dear reader, the hardest lesson I have ever learned is that we cannot make other people happy. It took me a long time to understand this in therapy. I used to believe that if I did everything my partner liked and behaved in a way that pleased them, they would be happy. But that's far from the truth. Emphasizing communication, Em reminds us that we can't make others happy, and it's not our responsibility to do so. It's important to support your partner, but ultimately, their happiness is not in your hands.
Em urges us to focus on the present and not let past experiences cloud our judgment. While your partner may have been unhappy in previous relationships, it doesn't mean that you are the cause of his struggles now. Trust in his words and continue to support him in his journey towards better mental health. I wish you and your partner all the happiness in the world. And to all our readers, if you have a problem that Em could help solve, share it with us in the comments below.
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