October 20th 2024.
Dear Eric,
I hope this letter finds you well. I have been thinking a lot about my mother lately and I wanted to share my concerns with you. As you know, my mother has been a widow for a few years now and I have noticed that her days mostly consist of watching TV. We did take her on a vacation with us once, but she preferred to stay in the hotel and watch TV rather than explore or socialize. She rarely sees friends or goes out, and as my siblings and I all live about an hour away and have busy lives, we can only visit her a few times a month.
We have suggested to my mother that she may be feeling depressed or lonely, but she always brushes off our concerns, saying that she enjoys spending time alone. We have also suggested various activities such as joining a senior center or participating in church events, but she declines, claiming that she doesn't want to be around "old people." The last time we brought it up, she became very upset and we promised not to mention it again. However, I am worried about her mental health as her world seems to have become quite small.
I must admit, part of me feels guilty that I am not able to spend more time with her and keep her entertained. But I also wonder if I should accept that this is the life she has chosen for herself. What do you think, Eric?
Sincerely, Unchanged Channel
Dear Channel,
I understand your concerns and it's natural to want to help your mother. However, it's important to respect her wishes and not pressure her into doing things she doesn't want to do. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, older adults are at a higher risk for depression, which can manifest as a loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed. Keep an eye out for other symptoms of depression, but also honor your promise to not push her. If watching TV brings her joy and relaxation, then that's perfectly fine.
Our lives and interests change as we age, and it's important to respect that. If your mother is not expressing any discontentment, then you have to trust that she knows what's best for herself. It's not helpful to undermine her autonomy by telling her how she should feel. Your feelings of guilt may stem from wanting her to have a certain type of life, rather than the one she has chosen. Keep an open line of communication with your mother and listen to what she has to say.
Take care, Eric
Dear Eric,
I have a dilemma and I would appreciate your advice. My two nephews recently got married, and while my adult children were invited to the events, my husband and I were not. We also did not receive a formal announcement. As a result, I have not sent them a card or gift. I am wondering what the accepted protocol is in this situation. I know I can do what I want, but I'm curious about what others do.
Sincerely, Uninvited Dilemma
Dear Uninvited Dilemma,
I understand your confusion and it's understandable to feel slighted by not receiving an invitation or announcement. However, it's important to remember that a wedding invitation is not an invoice, as Miss Manners once wrote. This also means that the absence of an invitation is not an invoice either. You are not obligated to send a gift or card in this situation.
If you have a strong relationship with your nephews and want to share your well-wishes, then by all means do so. It could even help strengthen your relationship with them. However, if you are looking for an explanation for not being invited, sending a gift may not prompt a response. It may be better to directly ask your nephews. But ultimately, it's up to you. Sending a card and letting it go is also a perfectly acceptable option.
Wishing you the best, Eric
Dear Eric,
My brother-in-law, Paul, will be having major surgery in the next month and my husband and I plan to visit him during his recovery. While I don't mind visiting Paul in the hospital, I get extremely anxious when staying as a guest in someone else's home. I know Paul will want us to stay with him, but I would prefer to stay at a nearby resort. Paul also has indoor pets and I am not comfortable around animals. How do I explain this to him without hurting his feelings?
Sincerely, Distressed Guest
Dear Guest,
It's understandable that you feel anxious about staying as a houseguest and you don't want to hurt Paul's feelings. In this situation, it's important to prioritize your own well-being. You can use the fact that Paul will be recovering from surgery as an excuse to stay at a nearby resort. Even if you are helping with his care, it's perfectly acceptable to say that you don't want to be in the way and you also need a space to recharge.
If the topic of staying with Paul comes up, it's also okay to be honest and say that you feel more comfortable in a place without animals. It's not heartless, it's simply communicating your needs. Good hosting also includes listening to the needs of your guests. I hope everything goes well with Paul's surgery.
Best, Eric
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