June 30th 2024.
Moving to London was a big change for Anna-Maria, but it was also a turning point in her life. From a young age, she struggled with her gender identity and never felt comfortable in typical girl's clothing. Instead, she preferred to sit with her legs spread, much to the dismay of her family. Growing up in Russia, where being queer was not accepted, Anna-Maria always felt anxious and out of place.
But when she moved to London, everything changed. For the first time, she felt a sense of calm and belonging. However, the real challenges with her identity began during puberty, when her body started changing. It was a difficult and distressing time for her, and she even resorted to self-harm in an attempt to hide her developing body.
Back then, the term "non-binary" didn't exist, and Anna-Maria's only exposure to the LGBTQIA+ community was through movies like Billy Elliot. She never really gave much thought to her identity as a kid. But as she grew older, she found herself constantly in confrontations with her family as she resisted traditional feminine roles.
Although she enjoyed some feminine things, like nail polish and playing with Barbie, she kept it a secret, feeling that it was a form of internalized misogyny. She even pretended to like things that boys liked, like chocolate milkshakes, to fit in. But as she learned more about non-binary identities, she realized that it was a perfect fit for her.
In her teenage years, Anna-Maria adopted a male identity online, which only added to her internal conflicts. It also led to severe mental health struggles, including depression and thoughts of suicide. She yearned to wake up one day as the person she felt she was inside, but the reality of her situation weighed heavily on her.
At 24, she found herself in a heteronormative relationship where she felt forced to conform to traditional feminine roles. But it only served as a constant reminder that she wasn't living authentically. She tried to be a submissive partner, learning how to cook her partner's favorite dishes, but deep down, she knew she wasn't being true to herself.
When she met her future wife in 2021, everything changed. She finally found someone who supported and understood her, and it was transformative. With her wife's help, Anna-Maria was able to embrace her non-binary identity and start a journey towards self-acceptance.
Moving to London to study at Goldsmiths in 2019 was a breath of fresh air for Anna-Maria. She found a supportive community that accepted her for who she was, a stark contrast to her experiences in Russia. Being a Black Russian queer person, London felt like the most inclusive and queer-friendly place she had ever been.
Of course, there were challenges in adapting to a new culture, but she found a sense of belonging among other Black and queer students at her university. For the first time, she wasn't the only one, and it was a liberating feeling.
In London, Anna-Maria's non-binary identity is mostly met with acceptance, which was a big change from her past. She no longer had to explain or justify her identity; it was simply accepted. This unspoken acceptance was a stark contrast to her previous life, where every disclosure of her identity was met with resistance.
While London isn't perfect, it's the closest thing to heaven for Anna-Maria. She feels like she can just be herself without having to make a grand declaration. And although her residency will end in a year, she hopes to make London her permanent home and start a family here.
For once, Anna-Maria is happy to feel normal. She no longer wants to attract attention because of her identities; she just wants to live in a place where she can be surrounded by people who look like her. London has become her sanctuary, and she's grateful for the acceptance and sense of belonging it has given her.
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