November 8th 2024.
Kairah's relationship with sex is complex and has been shaped by her experiences and upbringing. Growing up in a religious household, sex was never discussed and she was taught that it was reserved for marriage. However, her beliefs were challenged when she was raped at 19. It took her years to come to terms with this trauma, and it has left her with a "tainted" view of sex. As a way of coping, she turned to casual sex with strangers, but this also led to more instances of assault. She has since tried to only have sex with men she sees a long-term connection with, but it hasn't always gone as planned.
On this particular week, Kairah is sharing her sex life with us as part of our series "How I Do It", where we give a glimpse into the sex lives of strangers. Kairah, a 29-year-old from East London, identifies as bi-curious and is attracted to men who are dominant. She believes this may be a response to her trauma, as she struggles with taking ownership of her body and rarely initiates sex.
On Monday, Kairah spends the day working from Shoreditch House, preparing for a dinner meeting with a work contact. In between work, she takes a moment to read a book called "The Right to Sex" by Amia Srinivasan, which explores the relationship between sex and gender, class, and race. One point that stands out to her is the idea that men often ignore consent because society has taught them that their pleasure comes first. This resonates with her, as she has given her abusers grace in the past, believing they didn't know any better.
Kairah also takes this opportunity to share a resource for survivors of sexual abuse, as she herself has found support from Victim Support. On Tuesday, she starts her day early with a workout at the gym and reflects on her last sexual encounter, which was six weeks ago. Although she has made a commitment to only engage in casual sex with someone she has slept with before, the lack of intimacy in her life is starting to weigh on her.
The person she slept with was someone she had dated a few months ago, and their first date was in March. He was understanding and compassionate when she opened up to him about her past trauma, and they had sex on their first date. However, as his father fell ill, their communication became inconsistent, and Kairah decided to end things. But now that he is back in London, she reaches out to him for a casual encounter, hoping it would give her a sense of empowerment. Unfortunately, the experience is disappointing and leaves her feeling frustrated.
As the week continues, Kairah reflects on her relationship with sex and how it has been shaped by her past experiences. She is still on a journey of healing and learning to take ownership of her body and her desires. Although she has moments of vulnerability and longing, she remains committed to only engaging in sexual encounters with someone she trusts and feels a connection with.
Kairah had always had a complicated relationship with sex. Growing up in a religious household, she was taught that sex was reserved for marriage and any discussion of it was strictly forbidden. This belief was deeply ingrained in her, even as she grew older and began questioning her sexuality. As a bi-curious Black British woman, Kairah struggled with her desires and felt immense guilt and shame about exploring her sexuality outside of marriage.
But everything changed when she was raped at the young age of 19. It took her two years to fully understand and accept what had happened to her, and even longer for her to come to terms with the impact it had on her relationship with sex. The trauma of the assault left her feeling tainted and her views on sex became even more complicated. She found herself using casual sex as a coping mechanism, seeking temporary relief from her pain in the arms of strangers.
Despite her efforts to only engage in sexual activities with men she saw a potential long-term connection with, Kairah often found herself in situations where she was taken advantage of again. She realized that her preference for dominant men may have been a trauma response, as she struggled with taking ownership of her own body due to her past experiences. She rarely initiated sex and let men take the lead, in an effort to feel some sense of control.
As she shares her story for this week's edition of How I Do It, Kairah reflects on her recent experiences with sex. She starts off her week by working from a trendy members club in London, where she takes a moment to read a book on sex and its relationship to gender, class, and race. She is struck by a particular passage that highlights how men often prioritize their own pleasure over listening and respecting their partner's boundaries. This realization hits home for Kairah, as she has often given her abusers the benefit of the doubt, thinking they may not have known any better.
The next day, Kairah wakes up early to go to the gym and enjoys the endorphin rush that follows. But as she goes about her day, her thoughts keep drifting to her last sexual encounter, which was six weeks ago. Despite her commitment to not engage in casual sex, Kairah acknowledges her own needs and allows herself to engage in it with someone she's been with before. However, the experience does not live up to her expectations and she is left feeling frustrated and annoyed.
On Wednesday, Kairah continues to reflect on her past experiences and how they have shaped her views on sex. She acknowledges that her relationship with sex is still a work in progress, and that it will take time to heal from her trauma and fully embrace her own sexuality. But she also recognizes the importance of being open and honest with her partners about her past, as it can lead to important conversations and a safer and more respectful sexual experience.
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