November 16th 2024.
I can still vividly recall the moment a nursing assistant, with a rather stern tone, reminded me that I was now a mother. It was a daunting realization - I had to figure out how to take care of this tiny human being who was now a big part of my life. My head was throbbing as my ears rang with the constant crying of my newborn daughter, Hannah. I was alone in our apartment, trying everything from rocking her to shushing her, but nothing seemed to work.
In a desperate attempt to distract myself, I gazed out the large windows of our corner flat, taking in the view of the bustling Commercial Road in London. I felt a sense of emptiness, living in a busy street but not feeling like a part of any community. My husband was at work and my family lived over 200 miles away, leaving me with a transient lifestyle and no support system. The thought of being truly alone terrified me.
Hannah had been crying for over an hour now, and as a first-time mother, I had no idea what I was doing. I remember feeling naive, as I never expected motherhood to be this challenging. When I found out I was pregnant in August 2017, I was one of those lucky women who had a relatively easy pregnancy. I had even made plans to hire a nanny and continue working as a PR consultant, thinking it would be business as usual.
But as a second-generation British Bangladeshi, I was aware that most women in my family didn't return to work after having children. Or if they did, it was after a substantial gap. I didn't want that for myself - I had worked hard for over a decade to build my career, and I wasn't ready to give it up. However, my labor didn't go as planned, and I found myself needing emergency treatment due to excessive blood loss.
As I lay in the high dependency unit, unable to even feed my daughter, I realized that the baby books I had read had not prepared me for this challenging journey. The nursing assistant's words, though well-intentioned, only added to my feelings of helplessness and inadequacy as a new mother. And so, my anxiety began to take over, and the pressure of taking care of another life was overwhelming.
After being discharged from the hospital, things didn't get any easier. As someone who relied on public transportation, I found myself dreading the idea of taking a pram down multiple flights of stairs. I also struggled with getting Hannah to sleep, spending countless nights researching on Google for solutions.
It was during this difficult time that I realized I wasn't alone in my struggles. A study by the British Red Cross revealed that over 8 in 10 mothers experience feelings of loneliness at some point. But while I was struggling, my daughter was receiving all the love and attention she deserved. Everyone wanted to cuddle her, but who was there to comfort me?
My health visitor suggested I speak to a therapist, and though I initially had reservations, I eventually agreed to try talking therapy. It was a relief to have someone to talk to without fear of judgment, and it helped me cope with my anxiety. I also began to delegate more to my husband and found a sense of belonging within a group of other mothers.
Eventually, my husband and I decided to move back up north, where our families lived. This time, when I gave birth to my son in March 2020, I was emotionally prepared for the challenges of motherhood. I also made the decision to take a step back from my career and focus on being a present mother to my children.
Little did I know that this career break would lead to something incredible. I wrote a book called "The Secret Diary of a Bengali Mum," where I shared my unfiltered experiences of motherhood - the anxiety, the loneliness, but also the strength and resilience that comes with it. I wanted to show other mothers that though it may not seem like it at the time, they will get through this challenging phase.
So, to all the mothers out there, I want you to know that it's okay to admit that you're feeling lonely and in need of help. It could change your life in ways you never thought possible. If you have a story to share, I would love to hear it. Let's support each other and share our experiences, because we are all in this together.
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