September 21st 2024.
Dear Eric,
I wanted to share with you about my childhood and growing up in a hoarding house. It was a nightmare filled with shame and helplessness. I couldn't wait to get out of there as soon as I could. Now, I have my own home with my husband and we make sure it's always clean and inviting. However, my parents still live in their hoarding ways and it's not a place where anyone can visit. Whenever family comes to town, I end up hosting them even though I don't have a spare bedroom. I also feel obligated to host holiday meals, even though my parents have more space and time to coordinate. It's frustrating because I don't want to have to make everyone go to a restaurant, but at the same time, I resent feeling like I'm the only alternative.
So, my question is, how do I overcome this resentment and dread that only seems to increase with every holiday? I can't just put my foot down and say I'm done, because that would mean not being able to see my family at all. It's a tough situation to navigate.
Dear Matriarch,
I can understand how overwhelming and unfair this burden must feel for you. A lot of your resentment comes from your expectations of how things should be, rather than how they actually are. Accepting that your parents are not going to change, and that they will continue to let you down, may be frustrating but it can also bring you some peace. It's important to separate what you truly want from the holidays, versus what feels like an obligation. Do you actually want to host family or is it just their expectation? If it's the latter, it's okay to tell them that you would love to see them, but you are unable to host them at the moment. You can even offer recommendations for affordable hotels. It's not your responsibility to fulfill everyone's expectations.
The same goes for holiday meals. Going to a restaurant may actually be a better solution as the cost can be shared and everyone can order what they want. Plus, you won't have to deal with the cleanup. I understand that you feel like you have no control in this situation, but it's important to remember that this feeling may stem from your childhood in your parents' hoarding home. If you're not already in therapy, it may be helpful to talk through your feelings with someone to gain some clarity.
Setting boundaries and communicating your needs may feel like it will create more chaos, but in reality, it's a healthier approach. It's important to prioritize your own well-being in this situation.
Dear Eric,
I wanted to share my thoughts on the letter from Abandoned Grandmother. I can relate to the grandchildren who don't call or text their grandparents. I was lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my grandmother in the last few years of her life, but it wasn't always easy. However, one day while I was stuck in a waiting room for hours, I finally decided to call my grandmother, a task I had been avoiding because I didn't feel like I had much to say. But I started telling her about my volunteer work at a food bank, and that gave us something to talk about regularly.
For those who want to reach out more to their loved ones, my advice would be to find a topic that you can discuss on every call, in case there are no exciting updates to share. Eventually, I got into the routine of calling my grandmother and we both looked forward to our monthly conversations. When she passed away two years ago, I felt at peace knowing that we had that time together, and I was grateful that she knew how much I cared for her.
Dear Granddaughter,
Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming story. It's evident that you went the extra mile to strengthen your relationship with your grandmother, and it's truly admirable. Your advice about finding a topic to discuss on every call is a great tip for those who want to connect more with their loved ones. Cherish the memories you have with your grandmother, and know that you made a positive impact in her life.
Dear Eric,
In response to the letter from Mom Not Mediator, I wanted to share my own experience with my adult children. As they reach young adulthood, I've noticed that they have started to complain about each other to me, similar to what the letter writer's children were doing.
It reminds me of my relationship with my own siblings. My parents chose to say nothing, and as a result, we are not as close as we could have been. I am determined to not let history repeat itself with my own children. Whenever one of them is critical of their sibling, I make sure to intervene and say something along the lines of, "Your dad and I are well aware of all of your faults, but we love you all equally. There is nothing you could say about your sibling that would change that. Your siblings will be all you have when we are gone, so please try to love and respect each other despite your differences." This shuts down any negativity and lets them know that there are no favorites. I'm happy to say that this approach has been working, and our last visit with all four kids was quite pleasant.
Dear Mom of Four,
I commend you for breaking the cycle and creating a healthy dynamic among your children. Your words of wisdom and your reminder to your children to love and respect each other is crucial for building strong relationships. Keep up the good work!
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