December 1st 2024.
It was a summer evening last year when I met up with friends for a night out in Soho. We were planning on enjoying some drinks and catching some fabulous drag shows. As we mingled, some of my friends brought along their own acquaintances. One of them struck up a conversation with me, and eventually, the topic turned to my journey with HIV/AIDS.
Being an AIDS survivor and living with HIV, I've always been open about my experience. I've written and spoken about it extensively, so I didn't mind discussing it with this person. They seemed genuinely interested in my life and the work I do, until they asked the dreaded question – "How did you get it?" My heart sank and I felt a wave of shame wash over me. In an instant, my unique and life-changing experience was reduced to a stranger's nosiness. I couldn't help but feel deflated.
I can't even begin to describe how demeaning and offensive this question is, no matter how politely it may be asked. It doesn't matter if you consider yourself an ally or how curious you may be. There is never an excuse to ask someone this question. I mustered up the courage to respond, "I'm sure you mean no harm, but how I acquired HIV is nobody's business but my own. Asking this question only adds to the stigma that people with HIV continue to face."
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At first, the person was taken aback and nervously laughed, but after I firmly reiterated how degrading this question is, they understood and apologized. Sadly, this scenario is all too familiar for me. "How did you get it?" is a question that is asked frequently, and it never gets easier. It's dripping with judgment and rarely asked in good faith by a stranger. It makes me feel inferior and devalued, as if I'm being judged as a bad person or unsafe.
As much as I can, I try to explain to people who are willing to listen that this question is insensitive and leads to assumptions and stereotypes. But having to constantly educate others about it can be exhausting. I've even had a guy on a date who thought it was his absolute right to know, despite the fact that I am undetectable. Needless to say, that was a major red flag and I ended things.
This question has also come up online, and unfortunately, my response was met with hate. In the online world, there is a fixation on anal sex between men being the main driver of HIV/AIDS. I've been called all sorts of derogatory names and told that AIDS should have killed me. But these hurtful comments only affect me momentarily because I know they hold no power over me.
"Does the posing of this question achieve anything meaningful? No." I responded to one troll, "Well, I'm here and thriving. And intend to be for a long time." Most of the hateful comments I receive online are nothing more than thinly veiled homophobia. It's like these people haven't consumed any media beyond 1989 when HIV/AIDS was considered a gay man's disease. It would be laughable if it wasn't so harmful to all people living with HIV, not just gay men.
In my opinion, the question "How did you get it?" only perpetuates decades-old stereotypes that contribute to the stigma surrounding HIV. It's personal, intrusive, and normalized. We need to change that. HIV stigma affects us all. So, does the posing of this question achieve anything meaningful? No.
Instead of focusing on how someone acquired HIV, we should focus on their life post-diagnosis, the incredible advances in treatment, and the scientifically-proven marvel of U=U (undetectable = untransmittable). We should also look towards the bright future for people living with HIV. So, let's keep it positive. Your curiosity is not more important than my well-being.
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