August 16th 2023.
How we view flirting depends on past experiences and personal beliefs. Everyone has their own opinion on what is considered cheating, and what boundaries should be set in a relationship.
Asking For A Friend is the series where we answer the questions you don’t want to ask. This week, we’re exploring the concept of flirting and how it can be perceived differently by different people.
Kissing someone else when you have a partner is obviously cheating, as is sleeping with someone - unless it’s within the agreed boundaries of an open relationship. But what about taking someone’s number, giving them your social media handle, or commenting on all their Instagram posts? Or sending someone flirty messages, or complimenting them when you hang out in person?
Different people have different markers for what exactly constitutes infidelity in a relationship. While one person might be uncomfortable with you having a flirty chat with a stranger, others might not bat an eyelid if you kiss someone else on the lips. But it’s not exactly unfounded for someone to have ‘no flirting’ as a boundary for their significant other.
So, is flirting cheating?
‘The act of flirting is more than a surface-level exchange,’ Dipti Tait, a hypnotherapist and couple’s therapist, tells The Agency. ‘Beneath the surface, our brains are orchestrating a complex symphony of neurotransmitters, including dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. These chemicals, responsible for pleasure, happiness, and bonding, can be both exhilarating and potentially treacherous.’
In the context of a committed relationship, the boundaries between harmless interaction and emotional betrayal can become blurred, prompting one’s partner to view flirting as a form of infidelity. That said, not all flirting is created equal, and sometimes it can depend on the intentions behind it. Rather than signalling infidelity, flirting might be nothing more than an innocent and lighthearted way of engaging and connecting with others. It could also, as Dipti notes, ‘serve as a way to boost self-esteem or seek validation’.
Why do some people have different boundaries when it comes to flirting? It’s important to note that the answer to whether or not flirting should be considered cheating is totally subjective. It all depends on someone’s own personal beliefs and past experiences. ‘Just as our neural pathways shape our thoughts, our life experiences and values shape our definitions of fidelity,’ says Dipti. ‘A myriad of factors, from cultural influences to past relationships, contributes to the unique fabric of our understanding.’
Therefore, what one person finds acceptable might be totally different to somebody else, which is why it’s important to get on the same page about this as early as possible, to avoid any upset. To do this, you need to get candid: ‘Share your thoughts and apprehensions, and delve into the recesses of your hearts,’ says Dipti. ‘By doing so, you’ll forge a shared perception that aligns your relationship values and fosters a connection.’
If your partner thinks flirting counts as cheating and you don’t – or vice versa – it’s important to try to reach a compromise. ‘Employ empathy and compromise as your tools for navigation,’ says Dipti. ‘Through open dialogue, you can blend your perspectives, bridging the gap between your differences to reach a mutual understanding of shared boundaries.’
At the end of the day, if you love someone you want to make sure they’re as safe and comfortable as possible, while still allowing them to be themselves. Do you have a story to share? Get in touch by emailing email.
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[Generative AI is experimental.]
