July 9th 2024.
As I look back on my past, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness and pain. It was the mid-80s and I was in my early teens, struggling with heavy bullying at school and feeling completely isolated as a result. It was a difficult time for me, and I just wanted to forget about everything. I felt numb and lost, but there was one place where I found solace - the beach. Every day after school, I would hop off the bus and make my way to the shore. If the tide was in, I would swim, and sometimes I would use the time to catch up on homework or simply relax.
Little did I know, I was being watched from a nearby headland. I was completely oblivious to the fact that I had been followed home on a regular basis, and that my parents' schedule was being closely monitored. Looking back, it's hard to say exactly how long this went on for, but it must have been weeks, possibly even months. I was in a vulnerable state, and I guess it made me an easy target for my abuser.
One day, as I was enjoying a swim in the sea and sitting on the concrete shelf under the sea wall, a man in his late 20s or early 30s approached me. He had a moustache and a tattoo of a little devil on his arm. He seemed friendly enough, and I didn't think much of it when he struck up a conversation with me. He asked a lot of questions, but at the time, I was a friendly and respectful kid who was also a bit scared of adults.
He sat down next to me and started picking off the red spider mites on my swimming trunks, without my permission. I immediately felt uncomfortable and asked him to stop, but he made excuses and continued. I tried to leave, but he wouldn't let me. I was too scared to scream for help.
That's when he revealed that he had been watching me and knew exactly when my parents would be home. He sexually assaulted me, and I felt completely trapped. I had no idea when it would end. Suddenly, a woman appeared, walking her dog on the footpath above us. The man stopped and let me put my swimwear back on, but as soon as she was gone, he started again.
I wanted the woman to notice and intervene, but I was too scared to scream. Eventually, the man let me go, but not before making me promise to meet him again the next day. I was terrified that he would hurt me or my family if I didn't comply, so I reluctantly agreed.
The next day, I went back to the beach with a police officer, who hid in the bushes wearing a 'San Francisco' t-shirt. I sat in the same spot as the day before, and soon enough, the man approached me again. I couldn't understand why the police officer wasn't doing anything. The man started touching me again, but luckily, the police officer appeared and chased him away.
I was too traumatized to share all the details of what happened to me at the time, and I was constantly scared that my abuser would come after me and my family. The police officer asked if I would be willing to go back to the beach with him the next day, dressed as a civilian, essentially acting as bait to catch the predator. As a child in my early teens, traumatized and without any counseling, I felt like I had no choice but to agree.
The assault had a lasting impact on me, affecting my relationships and causing sexual dysfunction. I did receive some counseling, but it wasn't from professionals trained in dealing with sexual abuse. Years later, in 2018, I was raped again. When I reported it to the police, I was assigned the same officer who had used me as bait all those years ago. He even contacted me on a dating app and began stalking me.
It wasn't until I reached out to Survivors UK that I finally received the help and support I needed. Through group work and counseling, I was able to find a sense of normalcy and connect with others who had been through similar experiences. I also saw a psychosexual counselor, which was incredibly helpful.
I want others to know that they are not alone in their struggles. It's not easy, but with the right support, things do get better. I still have triggers and fears, but I've learned how to manage them. I've also learned to live in the moment and find joy in my life and the people around me. I may never fully heal from what happened to me, but I refuse to let it define me.
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