September 18th 2024.
Humans are complex beings, and our desires are no exception. From the simplest touch to the most intricate thought, our brains hold a power over us that is undeniable. This is especially true when it comes to intimacy, as the brain is considered to be an erogenous zone. But what exactly can turn us on with just a thought? Is there a specific type of erotica that we always find ourselves drawn to? These are questions that have long fascinated us, and the answers may lie within the pages of Gillian Anderson's new book, Want.
This captivating read delves into the deepest desires of women around the world, presenting 174 anonymous personal essays that have been categorized into chapters such as "To Be Worshipped" and "The Watchers and the Watched". The stories within this collection range from playful daydreams of lesbian exploration and office romances to more niche fantasies, such as having a three-way with the Weasley twins from Harry Potter. But even with such diverse fantasies, there are common threads that run throughout.
In a recent interview, the star of Sex Education, Gillian Anderson, shared her thoughts on the book. "What is very revealing are the areas that we are the same," she said. "No matter the fantasy, the takeaway is the need for intimacy, the need to be desired, to be seen, a desire to be held, to be comforted, to be safe." It's a powerful reminder that, at our core, we all crave the same things.
And it seems that fantasies are at the forefront of our minds more than ever before. This work coincides with a recent report from The Kinsey Institute, which delves into the bedroom habits of people around the world. Along with dating app Feeld, the study surveyed over 3,000 people and uncovered fascinating insights about how different generations view monogamy, how often people have sex, and how common kinks are among different age groups. And there's even more to learn from speaking to Kinsey's sexuality experts.
One of these experts is Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the renowned institute who has studied sexual fantasies for over a decade. Through speaking to more than 10,000 people throughout his career, he has gained a deep understanding of what gets humanity going. "One of the things I've discovered is that there are at least three key things that almost everyone fantasizes about at one time or another," he shares with The Agency.
The first of these is group sex. According to Justin's surveys, a staggering 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasized about sex with more than one person. However, men tend to have this fantasy more frequently than women. "Also, which is kind of surprising to a lot of people, these fantasies are actually least common among young adults and most common among people in their 40s and 50s," Justin explains.
Part of the allure of multi-partner sex is the desire to feel overwhelmingly desired. "Most people picture themselves as being the center of attention in their group sex fantasies," Justin notes. Another reason for the appeal of this fantasy is the potential for sexual exploration and trying new things. "It opens up a lot of new possibilities, such as trying new positions and activities or exploring same-sex/gender attractions," Justin adds.
Next on the list is kink and BDSM. While these may have once been considered taboo, they have become increasingly mainstream in recent years. "In my research, I find that 96% of women and 93% of men have had a kinky fantasy before," Justin shares. "But it's important to note that women fantasize about BDSM far more often than men." The Feeld State of Dating Report also found that the majority of Gen Z reported having these types of desires, a figure that declines with each age group. "Part of the reason that Gen Z might be kinkier is that they have greater access to porn than any previous generation, and much of the porn that's out there features elements of kink," Justin explains. But it's not just about porn. "Gen Z is also the most stressed and anxious generation, and kink/BDSM can be an adaptive way of coping with anxiety because it helps to take you out of your head and into the moment," he adds.
The third most common fantasy is adventurous sex, such as having sex in new and exciting places. This is a desire shared by 97% of people, and like group sex, it is most popular among mid-life adults. "This may be because most people at this age are in long-term monogamous relationships and are looking for ways to spice things up," Justin explains. He also notes that the younger generation may be less likely to fantasize about novelty because sex itself is still new to them. "They don't necessarily need as many bells and whistles to keep things exciting because they're less likely to have settled into sexual ruts and routines," he adds.
But it's not just the most common fantasies that are worth exploring. There are also some desires that may be considered taboo but are surprisingly popular. For example, having sex in public has been a major theme in many people's fantasies, with 81% of men and 84% of women admitting to having fantasized about it. "The appeal of these fantasies often resides in the thrill that accompanies potentially being caught or observed," Justin explains. "For some, it's also about having an exhibitionistic streak and deriving gratification from knowing that others are watching you have sex and enjoying it."
Another surprisingly popular fantasy is cuckolding, which involves watching a partner have sex with someone else. While this may seem like a niche desire, 52% of men and 26% of women have had this fantasy. "The numbers are even higher among gay, lesbian, and bisexual adults, perhaps because they do not feel as bound to notions of traditional relationships," Justin adds. This fantasy has also seen an increase in online searches in recent years, possibly due to its connections to kink. "For some people, it connotes a submissive or masochistic sexual role, but for others, it's simply a fantasy of taking pleasure in your partner's pleasure and seeing them fully satisfied," Justin explains.
In the end, our fantasies are just that - fantasies. They may not always align with our real-life desires and may never be acted upon. But that doesn't make them any less valid or fascinating. So whether you find yourself drawn to the most common fantasies or have a more unique desire, know that you are not alone. Our minds have the power to take us to places we never thought possible, and that is something to be celebrated.
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