April 8th 2024.
There have been moments in my life where I've felt completely overwhelmed and ready to give up. My husband and family would often tell me to toughen up and push through, but it wasn't always that easy. When I would express that I was struggling, their responses were usually the same: "Come on, you can do it." While I know they mean well, it's hard for them to truly understand what I'm going through.
In 2020, I became a mother to my daughter and then in 2021, my son was born. I absolutely adore being a mom and my husband has been incredibly supportive, but having two babies during a global pandemic was incredibly challenging. It's safe to say that it's been the most difficult time of my life. My family and husband love me, but they don't truly understand the toll that it takes on me. I sometimes feel like I'm on the brink of an emotional breakdown, but they just want me to keep going and it can be tough.
Our journey to parenthood was not an easy one. We got married in 2016 and shortly after, I experienced my first miscarriage. It completely broke me and my husband as well. Over the next two years, we suffered through three more miscarriages, with the last one being the most devastating. I started to lose hope and we even began looking into private fertility clinics. It was during this time that we decided to take a trip.
It was during this trip that we found out I was pregnant again. We were overjoyed and thankfully, this pregnancy went smoothly. I was so grateful to finally become a mother, but the early days of motherhood were emotionally challenging. I was trying to adjust to all the changes that being a mom brought to my life. One particular morning, after a sleepless night with my daughter, I begged my husband not to leave for work. I was at my breaking point and I just needed him to stay with me. Luckily, he could see how much I was struggling and he stayed.
When I found out I was pregnant again, just six months after giving birth to my daughter, I was completely shocked. My husband was thrilled and reassured me that everything would work out. And he was right, both of our children are happy and healthy, and I love them more than anything. But, having two children under the age of two was incredibly challenging. They needed me in so many different ways and I was still learning how to be a parent. It felt like there was no time for myself.
The days when my husband was at work and I was alone with the children were the toughest. I didn't have anyone to talk to and I just had to get through the day. The constant feeding and cleaning felt never-ending and there were days when I just couldn't stop crying. I needed help, but due to the pandemic, we couldn't rely on family for support. We didn't have the "village" that many new parents have to help us through this challenging time.
My siblings and I aren't very close, and my parents were dealing with their own difficulties and were unable to come and help us. It was the same situation with my husband's family. They were there, but from a distance. I always imagined that I would have a circle of support around me when I became a mother, but the reality was far different and extremely isolating. I felt so lonely and I stopped taking care of myself. I was just going through the motions every day. I was angry too, angry that my husband got to go to work while I was stuck at home alone with the kids.
During my worst moments, when I had two children under two years old, I had dark thoughts of just wanting to leave. It sounds terrible, I know. But the lack of sleep and constant demands of motherhood can really take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. I would often think to myself, "I can't do this anymore." The only thing that got me through was my husband, but even he couldn't fully understand what I was going through.
As my children have gotten a bit older, I've started to find myself again. I used to love exercising, so I try to make time to go to the gym when my husband can watch the kids. I used to be very social, so I make an effort to see friends for coffee or lunch. My husband and I also try to find moments to spend time together, just the two of us. Going back to work has also been good for my mental health. I love my job and it's nice to have adult conversations again.
But, I wish more people understood how lonely and isolating motherhood can be, especially when those closest to you don't fully understand what you're going through. I could have never imagined it because there's this idea that motherhood is this beautiful and perfect experience. And while it can be, it can also be incredibly tough and push you to your limits. Even if your loved ones don't seem to understand, I do. Trust me.
I often find myself hiding my true feelings and taking care of everyone else. But who is taking care of me? Sometimes, I just want my mom to give me a hug or my husband to say something comforting. Sometimes, I just want to be taken care of so that I can be the best version of myself for my children. As my kids have grown, I've started to find myself again. But I still feel very alone at times. My husband is very supportive, but he comes from a background where showing emotion is not the norm. My family is the same way. They love us, but they aren't very nurturing.
I, on the other hand, am the opposite. When I'm having a tough day, I need to talk about it, but I don't always feel like I have the space to do that with those closest to me. They are there for me, of course, but I still feel very alone. It's a constant battle to balance taking care of my family and taking care of myself. And some days, I feel like I'm barely holding it together.
Motherhood is amazing, but it's also incredibly hard. So, even if your loved ones can't fully understand your struggles, know that I do. You're not alone.
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