October 19th 2024.
The joy I felt after giving birth to my daughter was short-lived. But when my husband exclaimed that he could see our baby's arms, I knew that I had accomplished something incredible. Against all odds, I had given birth to my second child, at home, in an inflatable pool squeezed into the corner of our living room. It was October 2020, and the pandemic, the constant vomiting, the weekly Covid tests, and the iron deficiency anemia had all made this journey extremely challenging. Yet, I had done it, and the sense of achievement was indescribable. As I held my daughter, whom I had caught myself, in my arms, I couldn't believe that I had brought her into this world all by myself. I felt invincible.
However, my elation was short-lived. The midwives quickly took over, dressed in full PPE, face masks, and visors, to protect themselves from us. They insisted that I get out of the pool, and what followed was far from the blissful post-birth experience that I had been promised by my community midwife.
The midwives didn't waste any time. They immediately started examining me, without asking for my permission or explaining the benefits and risks of stitches versus letting the tear heal on its own. In the midst of all this chaos, my newborn baby was crying on a wet t-shirt that no one bothered to remove. My husband had to use his phone's flashlight to help the midwives see and decide what to do with the first-degree tear that had formed on my vulva. It was a chaotic and painful experience.
No one had prepared me for this. I was not aware that first-degree tears could safely heal without stitches, or what the healing process would entail. I was simply given stitches without my informed consent. As a result, my body has never been the same, and I have never fully recovered from the trauma of my postpartum care.
Surprisingly, I have been discharged from my local obstetric and gynecology department three times now, without any referrals to secondary care. I am left with a constant ache that never fully goes away, and I am unable to run or move my body in the ways I used to enjoy before pregnancy. Even a full night's sleep is impossible without waking up multiple times to use the restroom.
The root of all these issues is a first-degree tear, a small break in the skin, which I believe could have been left to heal on its own. This was not the first time I had a bad experience with childbirth. Eleven years ago, when my first child was born, I was bullied by my midwife into lying on my back during a routine vaginal exam that I did not want. I was never allowed to get back up, and I ended up giving birth on my back, completely dissociated from the experience.
The events of my first birth, along with the ongoing pandemic, made me determined to have a different experience with my second child. I wanted to give birth at home, hoping it would be a more positive and empowering experience. Unfortunately, it turned out to be just as traumatic, if not more so.
I am fortunate enough to be able to seek help from a private pelvic health physiotherapist, who has helped me understand the issues I am facing. However, accessing long-term care through the NHS has been a daunting and confusing process. I am not sure if I would fully recover even with secondary care and the help of a pelvic health physiotherapist, but I remain hopeful.
I knew childbirth would change my life, but I never expected it to come with so much trauma. The impact of this trauma has changed my life forever. And it all stems from a lack of choice. Midwives made decisions about my body without my consent, denying me my agency and taking away any control I had. The postpartum care system prioritizes the baby's health, often neglecting the mother's needs and leaving her without access to adequate care and support.
Do you have a similar experience you would like to share? Share your story with us. Let's start a conversation and bring awareness to the importance of informed consent and proper postpartum care.
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