Why do I have a tendency to be attracted to people I can't have?

We've all read the stories and seen the films – Romeo and Juliet, Allie and Noah, Kate Sharma and Anthony Bridgerton – and it's no wonder why we're so enthralled with unrequited love. It's exciting, unpredictable, and full of twists and turns. But in real life, it's often rooted in unhealthy beliefs about yourself and love, and it can take a toll on your emotional wellbeing.

So why is it that we find ourselves so irresistibly drawn to wanting what we can't have? According to relationship hypnotherapist Dipti Tait, it's because our brains are wired to seek novelty and excitement. When someone appears unattainable, that mystery and challenge triggers a heightened sense of reward in the brain, releasing dopamine and creating an addictive pattern.

It's also possible that our desire for unrequited love is linked to our childhoods. If we grew up in an environment where love and attention were inconsistent or conditional, we might develop a pattern of seeking out unattainable partners as a way to replicate those early experiences.

Unfortunately, wanting someone you can't have rarely ends well. You may get a thrill from the back and forth, the highs and lows, but eventually you need to accept the fact that the relationship won't go anywhere. The repeated cycle of longing and disappointment can lead to negative effects on mental health, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

So how do you break this cycle and pursue healthy relationships? Dipti recommends starting by practicing self-awareness and challenging your thoughts, reflecting on past relationships to understand why you might be drawn to unattainable partners. Then, shift your focus to your own self-improvement by engaging in activities that bring you joy and build your self-confidence. Therapy can also be a great source of insight and help you find strategies to break free from the pattern.

Finally, make sure to surround yourself with people who support and value you, and seek relationships with people who are attainable. Establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, and engage in ones that are mutually fulfilling and emotionally available. With commitment and effort, it is possible to break the cycle permanently.

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