March 17th 2024.
Women all over the UK are grappling with a dilemma known as the "co-mum-drum". One such woman, Jess Bolton, had always thought she would start trying for children after turning 30. But now, at 31, she's had a change of heart - or at least, she thinks she has.
As a Gloucestershire-based content creator and author, Jess has had the opportunity to spend time with parents her age. It was during these interactions that she realized parenthood may not be the lifestyle she desires. "While they're happy and fulfilled, parenthood just isn't for me at the moment," she shares with The Agency. "I'm really enjoying my marriage and my career, and I want to give them my full attention. Maybe in 5 or 10 years, I'll feel differently, but maybe not."
Part of Jess's hesitation stems from what she sees as a disparity between the experiences of mothers and fathers. Just this week, singer Lily Allen spoke out about the "motherhood penalty," explaining how having children impacted her career. And the statistics support her experience - in 2022, two thirds of working mothers felt that their careers had stagnated after having children, compared to only one in seven fathers.
"It's not just about the career aspect," Jess adds. "Being a mother changes your life and identity in ways that being a father doesn't. It takes a toll on your mental and physical health, especially if you give birth or breastfeed."
Jess is also concerned about the financial strain of parenthood, particularly as a self-employed individual. With limited paternity leave and costly childcare options, she worries about taking on the bulk of the caregiving responsibilities. "That's not what my partner or I want," she explains.
But Jess is not alone in her uncertainty about motherhood. New research from dating app Bumble reveals that many women in the UK are facing the "co-mum-drum" - they are unsure if motherhood is something they want to pursue. In fact, more than one in five people in the UK view having children as a traditional expectation that they may not necessarily connect with or choose for themselves.
Emma Carney, a 38-year-old digital strategist from London, is one such woman who is currently child-free by choice. She is unsure if her viewpoint will change in the future, especially given the uncertain and unstable political climate. "I don't want to bring children into a world where they may have to fight wars I don't agree with for resources or politics I don't need or agree with," Emma shares with The Agency.
But Emma is open to the idea of co-parenting with her queer friends, whom she trusts more than a man to share the parental responsibilities. "My queer couple parents of all genders seem to have a much better setup in terms of sharing the load and the roles played within child-rearing," she explains. "I haven't personally found a man whom I would trust enough to take a fair share of the load and who matches my values to consider having a child with."
Despite the challenges and uncertainties, the "co-mum-drum" is sparking important conversations about parenthood among women like Jess and Emma. And according to Bumble's data, close to two-thirds of Gen Z and Millennials are upfront with their dates about their views on children and marriage. Additionally, the majority of women in these generations want to know early on if a potential match is interested in having children in the future.
So how can one navigate the "co-mum-drum"? Dr Caroline West, Bumble's sex and relationships expert, suggests being open and honest about your desires and concerns. "Broach the topic with the person you're dating and get their perspective on parenthood, as they may bring a point of view to the table that you'd never considered," she advises.
Dr Caroline also encourages individuals to trust their own timeline and not get caught up in external pressures. While social media posts may make one feel anxious about not hitting certain "milestones," she reminds us that everyone's journey is unique. And for those still unsure about having children, that's perfectly okay. "Having children is a life-changing decision, especially for women, and the answer isn't always clear-cut," she says. "Take a step back and envision your ideal life in the next 5, 10, or 20 years - do children play a role in that? Sometimes, looking at the bigger picture can bring clarity when making big decisions."
In the end, the "co-mum-drum" may be a challenging and uncertain journey, but it's also creating space for important and honest conversations about parenthood. And for women like Jess and Emma, it's a reminder that it's okay to not have all the answers right now.
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