As we continue exploring some of the hard-hitting ideas in “The Courage to be Disliked,” the next one to tease apart is about vertical relationships and horizontal relationships.
Adlerian psychology makes the case that our default relationship pattern is that of vertical relationships – starting in our families and schools. These relationships have us positioned either above or below someone and are characterized by control and a need for praise/recognition.
Horizontal relationships, on the other hand, are built on mutual respect and, crucially, involve a separation of tasks. We focus on our role in the relationship and do not seek to control what the other person does. Crucially, this means a “separation of tasks” wherein we do our bit and leave it to the other person to do theirs.
An example – as a parent, if our child doesn’t want to do their homework, we’d force them to do in a vertical relationship. In a horizontal relationship, we’d explain the consequences of them not doing it and “separate tasks” – ultimately leaving the choice to them.
Here is a GPT generated image that summarizes the idea.
There’s a story I’ve shared on this blog over the years about a time when I asked a wise friend at the start of my career if he’d be my mentor. He shared then that he didn’t want to be a mentor. Instead he just wanted to be a friend. If his perspective was of consistent value, I might even refer to him as a wise friend (as I have done since).
It was one of those exchanges that had a profound impact on me. I’ve since never sought mentors… and I’ve found myself chuckle when I’ve heard folks mention how they’ve impacted their many mentees.
I didn’t fully appreciate why until now.
