July 12th 2024.
Elaine still carries a deep sense of shame about what happened to her when she was only 14 years old. It's a painful memory that she can't seem to shake off despite being 38 now. As we welcome you to our series, "How I Do It", where we give you a glimpse into the sex lives of strangers, Elaine shares her story with us. She comes from East Anglia and identifies herself as pansexual. She's happily married, but her past experiences have had a significant impact on her romantic relationships.
Elaine was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. At a young age of 14, she was groomed and raped by a man who was almost ten years older than her. They had met online, and the traumatic experience has left a lasting scar on Elaine's life. She explains, "I used to think that sex and love were the same thing. I believed that I had to have sex with someone immediately to show my seriousness about being in a relationship with them." This belief led her to have multiple one-night stands in an attempt to find "the one". She eventually got married and had three children, who are now 11, 9, and 6 years old.
In 2018, when she was going through a divorce, she met David*, who she describes as an "amazing man". He showed her respect and helped her understand how beautiful and fulfilling sex can be when shared with the right person. "With David, I felt safe and excited again. I finally learned that there's no shame in enjoying sex, the very thing that almost destroyed me," shares Elaine. She adds that David is the only person she can be truly intimate and vulnerable with, and that's why she recently married him.
However, despite being in a loving and understanding relationship, Elaine and David's sex life is currently non-existent. She tries to initiate sex, but they have only been intimate twice this year. Elaine assumes that David might be struggling to come to terms with her past trauma and how it affects their intimacy. However, she also wonders if David has some underlying issues of his own. She admits, "Some days are harder than others. It's a frustrating and lonely place to be. It's also embarrassing and shameful to admit that I want sex, the very thing that almost broke me. I'm still working on getting to a place where sex is a healthy and enjoyable thought process. It can leave me feeling emotionally drained, and shame is a terrible thing to deal with."
Elaine then goes on to share her experience throughout the week, and it's not safe for work. She tells us how being newlyweds, one would expect them to have a strong sexual connection, but she can't even remember the last time they were intimate. David is someone who values emotional connection, and he's content with enjoying meaningful and fun activities outside the bedroom. However, Elaine craves physical passion, and she's so desperate that she says she would have sex with him in the freezer aisle on top of the potato waffles, not caring who's watching.
She also talks about the impact of her past trauma on their sex life. She shares how the lack of physical intimacy has brought back her demons, and she struggles with feelings of desperation and confusion. One night, she tries to initiate oral sex, but David turns her down, saying he's too tired. Elaine goes to bed feeling both horny and embarrassed.
The next day, she notices a pattern in their sexless marriage, and it seems to revolve around her hormones. She can ignore the lack of sex for about three weeks, but by then, it becomes an issue again. This leads to arguments between them, and Elaine usually ends up crying, feeling unloved and unwanted. She shares, "I tell him I feel undesired, and I pin that on my past trauma and my unhealthy belief that sex equals love." David reassures her of his love and promises to make more time for intimacy. He even suggests seeking medical help for his low libido, but Elaine feels like his words are not backed up by his actions.
One night, Elaine reaches her breaking point and tells David that she can't live like this anymore. She suggests ending their sex life, as she can't handle the constant rejection. David, being the respectful man that he is, agrees, but Elaine wonders why he won't have sex with her when she asks for it. She spends the night googling "sexless marriages" and joins Facebook groups that promise to teach people how to live without sex. Feeling ashamed and desperate, Elaine masturbates, not knowing what else to do.
She also shares a helpful resource for anyone who has been sexually assaulted, as she understands how painful and traumatizing it can be. She concludes, "If you have been sexually assaulted, you can get help here: Sexual Violence helpline: 0808 801 0770."
Elaine still carries a heavy weight of shame for what she experienced at just 14 years old. She was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, groomed and raped by a man almost ten years her senior whom she met online. This traumatic event has had a lasting impact on Elaine, affecting her romantic relationships in profound ways. Now at 38 years old, Elaine identifies as pansexual and is married to an amazing man named David.
Elaine explains that her past experience caused her to equate sex with love, leading her to engage in many one-night stands and even marry for seven years, during which time she had three children. But in 2018, while going through a divorce, she met David and felt safe and excited again. He showed her that sex can be amazing and fulfilling, and the shame she once associated with it began to fade away. They recently got married, but their sex life is currently non-existent.
Elaine assumes that David may be struggling to process her trauma and its impact on their intimacy, but she also questions if he may have issues of his own. She admits that some days are harder than others, and it can be frustrating and lonely to desire sex, the very thing that almost broke her. She's still working on overcoming the shame associated with sex and enjoying it in a healthy way.
Elaine shares a diary of her week, giving a glimpse into her sex life as a newlywed. On Monday, she expresses her frustration at the lack of physical passion in her marriage, despite being newlyweds. She admits that she would do anything for sex at this point, but it's not just about the physical act, it's also about the connection. She reflects on how her past trauma and the lack of sex in her marriage have caused her to feel desperate and confused.
On Tuesday, Elaine notices a pattern in their sex life, which seems to revolve around her hormones. She tries to bury her feelings for a few weeks until it becomes too much to handle, and they end up arguing about it. She shares a specific argument they had on this night, where she expressed feeling undesired and unloved. David promises to do better and make time for intimacy, but his actions don't match his words. Elaine goes to bed feeling rejected and emotional.
Wednesday is a difficult day for Elaine as she struggles to focus at work due to her negative thoughts about being unloved and undesired. She tries to find the silver lining in the situation, reminding herself that at least her husband isn't cheating on her. But she also entertains the idea of finding a "f**k buddy," though she quickly dismisses it. She spends the day communicating with David about their sex issue but ultimately decides that it's best to call time on their sex life. She spends the night alone, feeling ashamed and seeking comfort in online support groups.
Elaine ends by providing resources for those who have been sexually assaulted, acknowledging that she still carries the weight of shame from her own experience. Despite her struggles, Elaine is determined to continue working on herself and her relationship with David.
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