Secretary of Trans Pete Buttigieg, A Dummy’s Best Friend

File this under “things you can’t believe your government is wasting time on with your money.”

Pete Buttigieg, partner to Chasten the Magnificent and father/mother to twins, and former ineffective mayor of South Bend, Indiana, has brought his unique sense of empathy and massive raw intelligence to the job of Secretary of Transportation under another man with a “cathedral mind,” Joe Biden.

As Secretary of Transportation, Secretary Pete has intervened in a critical concern, one you undoubtedly have been pondering for years, that of the gender identification of crash dummies.

Say what, Big Red Car — crash dummies have genders?

Yes, dear uninformed reader, when the auto industry test crashes vehicles, they use crash dummies that are configured as men though anatomically there are no penises at play here.

The crash dummies are configured at the average height and weight of the American male driving public as of the 1970s.

So, what is Pete going to do?

Secretary Pete is insisting that auto test crashes include female dummies.

I know, I know, you are thinking — what does a dummy have to do to be a female dummy?

There will be no secondary sex characteristics — no vaginas will be damaged in these crash tests though the word is still out on whether breasts will be involved.

These female gender crash dummies will be the typical size of a woman as of current times which is quite close to the same characteristics of men from the 1970s.

WTF, Big Red Car? This can’t be true!

Yes, this is true, dear reader. Our Secretary of Transportation, a man clearly being groomed for a future run at POTUS, is making the world more equitable starting with female crash dummies.

Who knows dummies better than this dummy?

Bottom line it, Big Red Car

Somehow the auto industry has managed to stay afloat for more than a century without female crash dummies, but now Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg will drive it forward to new glory by utilizing female gendered crash dummies.

I don’t know about you, but I feel so much safer and, well, enlightened, knowing a car I drive has been tested by a female crash dummy.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car and my dummy has never crashed me. Say a prayer, please.