September 8th 2024.
"Hey, what's going on?" My roommate asked me, yet again. She had been collecting my packages for me when I was out, and on that particular day in 2020, she found about 30 of them on my bed. "Amber, you can't keep all of these," she warned me, shaking her head. But instead of getting upset, we turned it into a fashion show, with her giving me a thumbs up or down for each item. Little did I know that these impulsive purchases were a result of my bipolar disorder.
At the time, I didn't even realize that I had bipolar disorder. I just assumed I was depressed. It all started about 12 years ago, when I was 18. I was put on anti-depressants, which helped a bit, but I still struggled. I would often make impulsive purchases, but I justified it as a way to cheer myself up. I would open multiple tabs on my computer and before I knew it, I had spent hundreds of pounds.
These depressive episodes would come and go, and then suddenly I would feel incredibly energized and excited. Looking back now, I know that these were moments of hypomania, a common symptom of bipolar disorder. My roommate, of course, had no idea about my condition, but she knew that these splurges were not my usual behavior.
It wasn't until I was officially diagnosed in 2021 that everything finally made sense. It was a relief to finally have an explanation for my erratic behavior. But even with a diagnosis, finding the right medication was a long process. I still go through periods of depression and hypomania, each lasting up to a month. And during my hypomanic episodes, I tend to make impulsive purchases, especially when it comes to clothes.
Fortunately, I have never gotten into debt because of my spending. My parents have been a great support system, helping me keep track of my spending and returning items when I regretted buying them. I even went through a period where I asked my parents to hold onto my money for me.
I've had to learn how to manage my bipolar disorder on my own, especially when it comes to my spending. I have to force myself to do things that I may not want to do, like getting enough sleep, taking my medication on time, and saying no to social events that may trigger a depressive episode. And even though my impulsive spending hasn't caused any major issues for me, it still adds financial stress to my life.
In fact, I had to make the difficult decision to step back from full-time work three years ago, when my symptoms became too much to handle. I was only sleeping two hours a night, and the stress was overwhelming. It was like being on a never-ending rollercoaster of mood swings. Even now, I still have periods where I don't sleep enough or sleep too much, and stress is a major trigger for my episodes.
But despite these challenges, I have found a silver lining through my bipolar disorder. It all started with an impulsive purchase of a skateboard, which turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. Learning to ride it became a positive outlet for my energy and helped me during both my depressive and hypomanic episodes. It also gave me something to focus on during my lowest moments.
I even became a skateboarding coach, which is now my main source of income. I work with the council to help disadvantaged and disabled children learn how to skateboard, and it's incredibly rewarding. Through this one impulsive purchase, I have been able to shape my life around my condition and find a balance that works for me.
I know that impulsive spending is a serious issue for many people with bipolar disorder, and I am grateful that it hasn't caused major problems for me. But through my skateboard, it has indirectly given me the life that I needed. I will always have to be mindful and careful of my spending, but I will never beat myself up for it. It's not my fault, and it has led me to where I am today.
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