February 8th 2025.
My friend excitedly showed us a picture on her phone, but as soon as I saw it, my heart sank. There, in his tuxedo, was Tom, the guy I had gone on a date with just the other night. It wasn't because we had both dated the same guy in the past - this wasn't the first time it had happened, especially with the rise of dating apps like Bumble. No, what upset me was knowing the truth.
Earlier that year, I had matched with Tom on a dating app. At first glance, he seemed perfect - handsome, fun, well-dressed, with a good job, his own place, and a seemingly active social life. We hit it off over messages and decided to meet up at a fancy pub for our first date. I was dating quite a bit at the time, but Tom had made me laugh and I had high hopes for our date.
When I arrived at the pub that Friday night, I was pleasantly surprised. Tom was already there, which was a big plus in my book - there's nothing worse than awkwardly waiting alone for someone to show up. He looked just like his profile pictures and had even texted me beforehand to ask what I wanted to drink. So far, so good.
Our date only continued to get better. Tom had a great sense of humor and shared funny stories about his colleagues that reminded me of the movie "The Wolf of Wall Street". He was also flirty and complimentary without being sleazy. When he suggested we go to a nearby restaurant for dinner, I agreed - something I wouldn't normally do on a first date, but I was feeling a spark with him.
At dinner, we started talking about our past dating experiences. Some people might see this as a red flag for a first date, but I didn't mind. In fact, I thought it was a fun icebreaker. I've heard hilarious stories about disastrous dates, like a woman whose front tooth fell out mid-meal and she didn't even notice, or another woman who showed up with two friends and expected the guy to pay for all three of them.
But Tom's story was different. As he talked about a date he had earlier that week, his whole demeanor changed. He went from being laid-back and considerate to being completely furious - and for what seemed like no reason. You'd think something terrible had happened, but no, he was mainly angry because the woman didn't look like her pictures. I agreed that people should be honest about their appearance, but Tom seemed fixated on her flaws and even made fun of her. My opinion of him changed in an instant.
Despite being put off by his behavior, I tried to be polite and changed the subject. The conversation limped on until we finished our dinner. I ordered an Uber before the bill even came and made a swift exit, promptly blocking him on the way home.
I thought I could just forget about Tom, but over the weekend, I met up with some friends and discovered something awful. One of my friends was gushing about a great date she had been on recently. She talked about how funny and cool the guy was, how he had been a real gentleman, and how she was going to ask him out again. But as she described him, I started to feel uneasy. When she showed us a picture, my heart sank. It was Tom - and she was his "awful date".
I felt both furious and guilty. I had been horrified by Tom's behavior, but now I knew he was talking about my friend, it made me even more mad. But I didn't know if it was my place to tell her. After much debate, I decided to leave it for him to ghost her - I didn't think any good could come from me telling her.
She was disappointed, but not devastated. It was only one date, and I still believe I did the right thing - it would have been more hurtful for her to hear what he had said. However, a few weeks later, I still felt guilty. So I suggested we look at our dating profiles together and help each other update them. When I saw her pictures, they were all about five years old. I gently suggested she put some new ones up, just to be safe.
But she didn't have to worry - she's now happily married to a colleague from work and has probably never given Tom another thought. And neither have I. Looking back, I wish I had called out Tom for his harsh judgment of someone's appearance. It didn't matter that she turned out to be my friend - everyone deserves to be called out for that kind of behavior. And if it happened today, I would definitely speak up.
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