October 30th 2024.
The end of my relationship with my mom was like losing a part of myself. It was a painful and heart-wrenching experience. As I boarded the plane from New York to Los Angeles, I couldn't help but think that this might be the last time I see my hometown and my high-achieving mother.
My mom and I had a complicated relationship. We could be the best of friends one moment and the worst of enemies the next. We were constantly fighting about everything and anything, which made us both miserable. By the time I boarded that plane in 2015, I had sold or stored all my possessions. I used to be a married woman, a filmmaker, and the daughter of a successful author. I had a trust fund and more things than I knew what to do with. But now, at the age of 36, I had nothing. No husband, no possessions, and most importantly, I was finally estranged from my famous mother.
It had been a year since our terrible fight that tore us apart, and we hadn't spoken since. She had no idea how I was doing or that I was leaving 3,000 miles away that day, and I didn't care. All I wanted was to find myself, find peace, and make it on my own, far away from her.
This wasn't the first time we had separated. I had always been an adventurous person and had boarded many planes in my life, often with a broken heart. When I was 15, my childhood sweetheart passed away in an accident, and his best friend took his own life. That's when I went to a boarding school in Rome. At 31, I returned to New York after a failed marriage in Los Angeles. But this time, I was more certain than ever that I could rebuild and recreate myself in a new environment with a warmer climate.
However, a part of me was also devastated. Breaking ties with my mom felt like losing a limb and having a broken heart at the same time. Our relationship may have been toxic, but it was familiar, and I did love her, at least sometimes. As the plane took off, I couldn't help but feel a chill run down my spine. I truly believed I would never return to New York or see my mom again.
Years of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and a complete breakdown in our relationship had led us to this point. The fight that ended our relationship started with a simple request for me to leave my mom's apartment, where I was living at the time, so she could stay there for a week. It was her apartment, after all. She claims she said, "Leave for the week," but I heard, "You have to get out of my apartment." The problem was, we were already in such a bad place that this request was the final straw.
A lifetime of hurt and pain had left me feeling wounded and paranoid. We had fought in ways that were destructive, to say the least. I would punch walls, and my mom would jump out of cars into the street, or we would scream at each other until our lungs hurt. My sobriety was always at risk when I got that angry. My mom had become my enemy, and I believed that the only way to survive was to leave.
Like many children who grow up with successful parents, I craved their approval, and I often felt like I didn't get it. But my life took a turn for the worse at the age of 13 when my beloved grandfather passed away, followed by losing my childhood sweetheart and friend just two years later. This led me down a path of experimenting with drugs and alcohol, which eventually turned into a lifestyle. I became a club kid in high school and a drug addict in college.
At the same time, my mom's writing career was taking off. Her books were everywhere, and her dreams were coming true, while my life was spiraling out of control. We used to be inseparable when I was little, but now my mom was always busy. I felt ashamed of my wild lifestyle and like I wasn't the daughter she wanted. This led to me pushing her away, hiding my actions, and eventually cutting her out of my life completely in 2015.
On my own, I had to learn how to take care of myself, earn a living, and stop fighting with everyone around me. As a person in recovery, I had to do a lot of work on myself and my relationships. I learned to take responsibility for my actions and stopped expecting others to fix my problems. With time, I found peace with who I am, who my mom is, and all the misunderstandings that drove us apart.
The journey to reconciliation wasn't easy. When my anger had subsided, I realized that I wanted to end our estrangement and mend our relationship. We started by emailing each other, keeping the conversation light and polite. I made a conscious effort not to bring up the past and instead focus on things that we both loved. I would send her pictures of my new dog, and we would talk about cooking and other safe subjects until we were comfortable with each other again.
Luckily, my mom had also done some work on herself and was open to reconnecting. We learned to listen to each other and avoid bringing up painful subjects. We empowered each other to find joy in simple things again. Our relationship may not be perfect, but we treat each other with respect, even when we don't agree. And when things do get heated, we have tools to de-escalate the situation and communicate effectively. We no longer scream at each other like we used to.
If you are estranged from a loved one that you want back in your life, my advice would be to seek guidance and create a life you love before taking any steps towards reconciliation. Find warmth and peace within yourself and don't give up hope that your loved ones can grow and change, just like my mom did. And if they can't, with healing and a healthy life, you will be okay no matter what.
Today, 10 years later, my relationship with my mom is healthy and loving. We have even written books together to help other families going through similar struggles. Our estrangement ultimately led to forgiveness and a new bond between us. We have learned to appreciate each other's talents and work together as a team. I am excellent at organizing and creating the first draft, while my mom is a skilled researcher and has a way with words. Together, we have launched a recovery website and written books to help others going through similar experiences.
Our story may not be the traditional mother-daughter relationship, but it is unique and beautiful in its own way. And I am grateful that we were able to find our way back to each other and build a stronger and healthier relationship. So if you are going through a similar situation, don't give up hope. With time, healing, and effort, anything is possible.
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