October 23rd 2024.
I remember the day I came out as gay to my mum like it was yesterday. I was only fifteen years old and it was a difficult conversation. My mum didn't take the news well, to say the least. From that moment on, our relationship was never the same.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve in 2018, I was having a quiet evening with my wife when my phone suddenly rang. I saw my mum's name on the screen and my heart started racing. I felt a wave of dread and anxiety wash over me. It had been three months since we last spoke, and I was hoping maybe she was calling to extend an olive branch for the holidays. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
She immediately brought up some texts she had found on my dad's phone, demanding an apology from me. I was taken aback and didn't know what to say. I couldn't apologize because I hadn't done anything wrong. I needed an apology from her. It turns out, she had gone through my dad's phone and read our messages. I was shaking and tearing up as she listed all my supposed failings as a daughter.
Growing up, I was always walking on eggshells around my mum. Our relationship was filled with tension and abuse. She had a vicious temper and would often become violent and verbally/emotionally abusive towards me over the smallest things. I vividly remember when I was nine years old, sitting at a glass coffee table and drawing a picture, when my mum asked for my help in the kitchen. I replied, "in a minute," and she flew into a rage, flipping the coffee table and smashing glass all over me. My dad would always try to de-escalate the situation, but he would often put the blame on me, as he was afraid of my mum.
My mum would often tell me, "I love you, but I don't like you." It hurt even more to see how differently she treated my sister, never raising a hand to her. I came out as gay at fifteen, and my mum didn't take it well. She cried and insisted it was just a phase, as if someone had died. She would say things like, "I don't care if other people are gay, but I don't want it on my doorstep." Thankfully, my dad was supportive, but my mum struggled to accept my sexuality.
As I grew older and moved out, our relationship seemed to improve. However, when my mum started fostering and used my bedroom, it became difficult for me to visit home. There would often be prolonged periods of no contact, but she would occasionally send me gifts. I would always thank her, but there was never any conversation about mending our past hurts. I knew that unless we addressed the root of our issues, the cycle of emotional abuse would continue.
When I got married, my parents attended the wedding, but the day was tense. My mum even left the venue without saying goodbye to my wife's family. They didn't get us a present or even a card. It became clear that our relationship was toxic and brought neither of us any joy.
Four years after that phone call on Christmas Eve, I received angry texts from my dad, asking why I had no consideration for my mum's feelings. I hadn't spoken to her in years, but she had seen a photo on social media of a painting I did for my in-laws' 70th birthday. She was upset that I made the gift for them and not for her. That's when I knew that our relationship was truly over.
I finally drew a clear boundary and cut off all contact with my mum. It was difficult, but I knew it was the best decision for my own well-being. This also meant losing a relationship with my dad and sister, as they were caught in the middle. I don't want them to have to take sides, but I'm happy that they have a family unit that works for them.
I don't mourn the loss of a mother-daughter relationship because, in reality, I never really had one. I believe my mum is a deeply troubled person, and unless she acknowledges her actions and seeks help, a healthy relationship between us is impossible. I can't see her ever changing.
My advice to those who have experienced abuse from their parents is to try and work through any issues in a calm and constructive way. But also, don't be afraid to draw clear boundaries to protect yourself if necessary. Family doesn't always have to mean blood relatives. Chosen families are just as important. And if someone isn't bringing joy and happiness to your life, sometimes it's best to put yourself first.
This is why I wanted to share my story in the "Degrees of Separation" series – to offer a nuanced look at familial estrangement. Every situation is different, and I believe it's important to give a voice to those who have been through it themselves. If you have a similar experience and want to share your story, you can email the organizer. Remember, it's okay to put yourself first and prioritize your own well-being.
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