October 22nd 2024.
When it comes to parenting, everyone seems to have an opinion. As much as we try to brush off these judgements, it can be difficult when someone close to us undermines our efforts to do what we feel is best for our children. This is exactly what happened to one parent who shared her struggles on Netmums. Despite her conscious effort to teach her three-year-old daughter about boundaries, consent, and bodily autonomy, she kept running into problems, particularly with her own mother.
The mother wrote, "I'm trying to teach my daughter that her body is hers and she can say no to hugs and kisses if she wants. But my mom is making it impossible. She helps with childcare, which I'm grateful for, but whenever my daughter says no to a kiss or cuddle, my mom insists and says things like 'don't be silly, of course you can hug your nanny' and goes in for the kiss anyway." Even when the mother tried to address the issue, her mom dismissed her and claimed that family should always get cuddles. While many people in the online thread showed support, others agreed with the grandma's actions, saying things like "she's not a stranger, she knows best, and she would never hurt your daughter."
The topic of teaching children consent can be quite contentious. Why is it so important? Well, it involves giving children a choice in whether or not they want to show physical affection, listening to their "no," and paying attention to their body language. It's about giving them options for how they want to express love and connection, whether that's through a hug, high five, fist bump, or nothing at all. According to Dr. Dan O'Hare, an educational psychologist, and member of the British Psychological Society, teaching consent from an early age sets a template for future relationships and teaches lessons that can last a lifetime.
The NSPCC also emphasizes the importance of fostering an understanding of consent from a young age, as it equips children to recognize and speak up about potential abuse in their relationships. It's crucial for young people to feel safe and empowered to communicate with trusted adults about their sexual experiences. Those who don't may be more vulnerable to abuse or unhealthy relationships.
But why is consent such a contentious topic? Parenting expert and mother-of-two, Lauren O'Carroll, has been teaching her children about consent but has faced pushback from family members. "With some family members, we have had to explicitly remind them, particularly around tickling," she says. The main issue, according to psychotherapist Charlotte Bailey, is that teaching consent goes against long-held beliefs about family dynamics and affection. For many people, physical affection has always been seen as a given in families, a way to express love and connection. Asking for consent can feel like a threat to this norm and may trigger feelings of rejection or insecurity in adults who expect affection as validation. Additionally, people may unconsciously pass down behaviors they were taught, without realizing the potential harm.
It's also possible that adults may feel accused of doing something wrong when a child doesn't want to show them physical affection. However, Dr. O'Hare reminds us that it's not personal and that a child's autonomy and voice are more important than an adult's feelings of rejection. Teaching children consent can include giving them options and not forcing them to show physical affection if they don't want to. It's about respecting their boundaries and teaching them to respect others' boundaries as well.
So, how can we set boundaries with family members when it comes to our child's right to consent? It's important to have open and honest conversations, explaining why this is important to you and your child's development. It's also helpful to offer alternatives to traditional forms of affection and remind family members to ask for consent before showing physical affection. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more we advocate for our child's boundaries, the easier it will become. It's all about consistency and showing our children that their voice and comfort come first.
In the end, modeling consent and boundary-setting for our children not only validates their feelings but also reinforces the idea that they are allowed to set boundaries in all relationships. It's a crucial skill for life, and by being confident and consistent in advocating for our child's boundaries, we are setting a positive example for them to follow. So, let's continue to have these important conversations and empower our children to have a say in what happens to their bodies.
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