September 25th 2024.
When Susan Kaur was 33 years old, she found herself in a new relationship with a man named Rohit. They had met on the dating app Bumble and he had asked her out on a first date. Susan admits that she had hesitated before saying yes, because she didn't find him as physically attractive as her previous partners.
"He has average looks and, as vain as it sounds, I have only dated attractive men," she says. It's a common experience - we've all shown a picture of our new crush to our friends and promised that they look better in person. But for Susan, her embarrassment about Rohit went beyond just his appearance.
"His spoken English wasn't that good... and that bothered me because I've always been with well-spoken men," she adds. Good conversations are important to Susan, and as someone who primarily expresses herself in English, she found it difficult to overlook this aspect.
Despite these reservations, Susan felt that her dating life had been a mess and she wanted to give Rohit a chance, even though he didn't check all the items on her list. She signed up for The Hook-Up, Metro's sex and dating newsletter, to read more juicy stories and get tips for spicing things up in the bedroom.
"He seemed like a genuinely good guy, and aren't those in short supply these days?" she reflects.
However, Susan kept her relationship with Rohit a secret for the first four months. "As far as my friends knew, I was still single, even though I was actually dating him," she explains. "Even my family didn't know about this guy."
But after about 12 weeks, Susan's embarrassment began to subside. "It took me quite a lot of time to appreciate him for who he is, rather than what he isn't," she admits. "I love that he is kind and a feminist, and I'm happy I'm with someone genuine, rather than a mere charmer."
Interestingly, Susan's experience is not unique. Lesley Hunter, a 34-year-old ex-beauty pageant winner, also admitted to feeling embarrassed when she first started dating her now-husband Vince, who is 40 years her senior. The 40-year age gap between them raised eyebrows, especially among Vince's older children.
"I have to say that in the very beginning when I was dating him I was a little embarrassed," Lesley says. "I was more sensitive to the 'grandpa' statements, but within a year of us dating I just thought 'screw them', I didn't really care anymore."
It seems that Vince also felt a little embarrassed at first. "The first night we went out, we had dinner and I asked Lesley 'Do you know how old I am?' because it felt a little awkward," he shares.
Despite the initial embarrassment, Lesley and Vince have now been together for more than a decade and appear very happy. Similarly, Susan and Rohit's relationship has also progressed to the point of engagement.
But Susan's embarrassment could have ended their relationship before it even began. "My embarrassment could have ended the relationship," she reflects. "But, he's the sweetest guy and he never got mad at me for not telling my friends and family as soon as he did."
Why do we have a type? According to Dr Natalie Powell, our upbringings and social experiences play a significant role in shaping our preferences in relationships. "Our early attachments with our primary caregivers will form the basis of how we form relationships with others," she explains.
"We will therefore often go for 'types' that are familiar to us - that is, patterns of interaction that we have experienced regularly before - even if these patterns aren't particularly good for us." However, this doesn't mean that we can't change our type, as Susan did.
Dr Helen Nightingale agrees that it is possible to change our approach and go for something different. "If you realise you have a problem [with your type], then you are halfway there," she says. "But you have to be pretty determined to change and make an effort."
For Susan, it took time and space to come to terms with her embarrassment and appreciate Rohit for who he is. "He gave me both," she says. "When I did eventually 'come out' to my loved ones about our relationship, there was a shift... he told me he felt a lot more sure about us now."
Susan and Rohit's love story is a reminder that our criteria for a partner should go beyond superficial qualities like looks and financial stability. "Our criteria for a partner needs to be far deeper than that," says Susan. "People are supposed to date in their league, and when they don't, there's a lot of judgement and shaming."
She adds, "Our understanding of what makes a good partner needs to evolve and become more meaningful. We need to focus on qualities like kindness, compatibility, and mutual respect." In the end, it's these qualities that bring true happiness and security in a relationship.
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