May 24th 2024.
We have all become accustomed to the trains in our country being utterly useless. It's a familiar feeling to utter the words "I made a mistake this weekend" on a dreary Monday morning. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced this. As I've grown older, these mistakes have ranged from indulging in too much alcohol, getting involved with the wrong crowd, depleting my bank account, and committing to things that I probably shouldn't have. But this past Monday, I found myself cursing at my own foolishness for a mistake that I have made numerous times in the past. One that, at my age, I should know better than to make. One that I'm sure many of you can relate to as well. I bought a train ticket in this country, naively assuming that it would have functioning toilets, WiFi, food and water, and that it would actually run and arrive on time.
I know, I am ashamed. It seems absurd to pay exorbitant amounts of money for a train and not be able to expect the basic amenities that we have paid for. But that's just how it is when traveling by rail in Britain. We have all grown accustomed to the trains in our country being completely useless, despite the large amount of taxpayer money being invested into them. And I, more than most, should know better than to trust the trains in Britain. I grew up in a commuter town, where rail travel was a regular part of my weekends. And as a comedian of nearly 10 years, I have spent a significant portion of my career relying on, and unfortunately being let down by, the trains in this country.
Recently, I had to travel from London to Dundee for a wedding. While I could have taken a Ryanair flight, my conscience wouldn't allow it. So, I shelled out nearly £200 for a train ticket and foolishly told myself to take it easy with work that week, leaving some for the train journey. Of course, I couldn't get any work done. Even at 6am, the train was packed with people. I squeezed myself into a seat before giving it up to an elderly lady whose seat had been taken by a non-English speaking tourist. And of course, there were no staff around to sort out the situation. So, I resigned myself to a spot at the end of the carriage, next to a broken toilet. I improvised a makeshift desk with my bag, took out my laptop, and... the WiFi didn't work. I managed to get a personal hotspot going on my phone and went to the shop to get a coffee, hoping to sip on it while I worked. But alas, the shop was facing connectivity issues and couldn't serve any food or drinks due to their payment system malfunctioning.
In the past, I would have been fuming. I would have sent angry emails to customer service, demanded refunds, and maybe even complained to any staff I could find on the train. But now, I've given up. And let's be honest, haven't we all? We have given up on the trains working, we have accepted that cars are the only reliable mode of transportation, and worst of all, domestic flights have become the norm instead of being seen as the ridiculousness that they are. Billions of public funds have been invested into our rail network. Our country has a long-standing tradition of rail travel dating back centuries, and the infrastructure is there for it to be a faster and more enjoyable means of getting around the country. And yet, the private companies that now own our rail networks have completely ruined them as a reliable resource. We can't rely on them, we can't enjoy them, and most of the time, we just accept that we probably can't use them.
And the strangest thing of all is that if you dare to voice your frustrations on the internet, there are train enthusiasts ready to defend them. I was on a train recently and witnessed a pensioner innocently trying to use a ticket from a different provider to board the train. The ticket had allowed them to pass through the barriers, and they were sitting in a nearly empty carriage, late at night, waiting to go home. But the ticket inspector seemed to take great pleasure in publicly scolding them for having the wrong brand of ticket. When I posted about this on social media, hundreds of people told me that the pensioner was in the wrong and deserved to be fined. Meanwhile, the train company sent me an automated response, directing me to their useless FAQs.
What is happening? Why are people celebrating the state of our rail network? Our country is falling apart, with sewage in our waters and nurses lining up at food banks. And now, the trains don't work either. And we are just accepting it? Not only that, but many seem to be enjoying it? To me, the state of the trains is a reflection of everything else that is broken in the UK. The Conservative Party has privatized it to the point of no return, and as a confused, exhausted, and financially strained public, we don't know what to do. So, we distract ourselves by fighting with each other. Some may see this as a call for revolution, for taking up arms and fighting back. Perhaps that's what I want. Or maybe, I just want to be able to travel to Dundee and back in less time and for less money than it would take to get to Athens. Looking back, I would have settled for functional train WiFi to write this article. Do you have a similar experience? Share it with us by emailing jess.email or leave your thoughts in the comments section below.
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