October 26th 2024.
As a parent, there are five skills that I have found to be crucial: resourcefulness, gratitude, patience, budgeting, and self-confidence. When I first discovered I was pregnant in 2022, I have to admit, I was tempted to freak out. While I was overjoyed at the news, I also knew that my health and finances were already hanging by a thread. So, my partner and I sat down and strategized. The only reason I was confident that I could make it through this journey was because of the resilience and ability to stay calm during a crisis that my disability has taught me. And, as it turns out, this skill has come in handy in parenthood as well. My disabilities have actually made me a better parent in many ways.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are days when I feel like my disabilities are holding me back. Days when I am consumed by guilt for not being able to parent like other moms. But recently, I have come to realize that my disabilities have actually enhanced five skills that I believe are crucial to parenthood: resourcefulness, gratitude, patience, budgeting, and self-confidence. Just to give you some background, I have hyper-mobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome, spina bifida, scoliosis, and endometriosis. I also have diagnoses of borderline personality disorder, ADHD, and complex PTSD. So, you can imagine the challenges I faced when our daughter, Dalia, was a surprise pregnancy born on July 19, 2023.
In simple terms, my joints are painful and prone to dislocation, and my spine is not exactly straight and causes me a lot of pain. I also deal with constant pelvic pain and difficult periods. My health was supposed to make it extremely difficult for me to conceive, carry, and care for a child. My medical team had warned me throughout my 20s that I may be infertile, and it took me years to come to terms with that possibility. So, when Dalia came as a surprise, it was both a blessing and a challenge.
Throughout my pregnancy, I struggled a lot with my health issues. Every single one of them seemed to flare up worse than ever before. I also had to have a planned C-section due to my spinal issues. But, I am grateful to have the support of my partner, Tim, who is Dalia's non-disabled father, as well as a large support system of family living nearby. Through all the trials and errors, I have come to some important realizations about how my disabilities have actually made me a better parent.
First and foremost, I am incredibly resourceful and resilient. This is something that others often notice about me. I have learned to do a lot with very little, and I am great at problem-solving because I have had no other choice. This is also why I freelance as a writer. It is a job that I can do from home, on my own schedule, with just a laptop and internet connection. This has been extremely helpful as a mom, as I can get my work done before Dalia even wakes up.
Another skill that has been enhanced by my disabilities is gratitude. I have learned to be grateful for the things that I have, especially since most of the fears my medical team had for my parenting journey have not come to pass. This gratefulness helps me push through the tough days when everything seems to be going wrong. The days when Dalia is in a bad mood, refuses to follow her sleep schedule, or eat her meals, or stop crying. The days when teething feels like an endless struggle. But in those moments, I remind myself how hard-fought these moments were and how I never thought I would have the privilege of experiencing them.
Patience is another crucial skill that my disabilities have taught me. If I don't pace myself while doing even the most mundane tasks, it can have serious consequences, such as increased pain and fatigue, migraines, and burnouts that can leave me bedridden for weeks. This patience and restraint have also made me much more equipped to handle toddler meltdowns and chaotic sleep schedules.
My disabilities have also taught me the importance of self-confidence and self-worth. Being bed-bound for long periods of time has allowed me to ruminate and analyze every aspect of myself, tearing myself down and rebuilding myself time and time again. My self-worth used to be tied to my productivity and independence, but I have had to reframe this entirely as they both slipped away. Years of fighting against negative self-talk will undoubtedly come in handy when my child is old enough to face these challenges herself.
Lastly, my budgeting skills have been greatly enhanced by my disabilities. Living with a disability is expensive, and government benefits are often inadequate. I receive the same amount of money per year as a student loan, and I rely on that and my freelance writing to make ends meet. My partner, Tim, also works part-time and helps with bills, but it is still a tight budget. This has made me an expert at stretching a budget beyond what is considered reasonable. Of course, I am not saying that these skills are unique to disabled people, but my disabilities have definitely heightened them for me personally.
Many people without first-hand experience with disabilities often fail to realize how much skill it takes to navigate life with a disability. And that's not even factoring in things like advocating for yourself in the medical system or trying to navigate the complex world of government benefits. In fact, some people were surprised that I even wanted children, considering my health issues. But to them, I always respond, "Of course I want kids. Disabled people have the same wants and needs as anyone else." I constantly remind myself that my disability is not a tragedy, a personal failing, or something to be ashamed of.
Becoming a mother as a disabled woman has been the most rewarding, humbling, and challenging experience of my life. And while I am still learning every day, I have never been more thankful for my disabilities and what they have taught me over the years. That's why I choose to see these five skills as what makes me the best mom I can be. And to anyone out there who may be facing the same challenges, I want to say that your disability does not define you and it does not make you any less capable of being an amazing parent. Trust me, I am living proof of that.
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