August 18th 2024.
At the young age of 24, Angus Castle-Doughty started to experience something that would have a significant impact on his life - an eating disorder. It was 2019 when he received a call from his agent while on a train to London Bridge. He had landed the biggest acting role of his career and couldn't help but cry tears of happiness and disbelief in the train toilets. However, after the initial excitement faded, Angus began to struggle with imposter syndrome. He wondered if he was truly meant to be in this role, given that he had only done one TV job before. With his scrawny physique and ginger hair, he felt like he didn't fit the typical mold of a successful actor. In an attempt to prove himself, he threw himself into the role, determined to work harder than ever before.
Angus had always been self-conscious about his body, even from a young age. He felt like he had to put in extra effort to achieve a body that he didn't hate. Growing up, he compared himself to the athletic and lean men he looked up to, feeling like he didn't measure up. Even when he started doing school plays, he was always cast as the old man, which only added to his insecurities. By the time he was 15, he had already tried dieting. So when the opportunity came to change his body for a role, he didn't hesitate. He started restricting his food intake and exercising more, and soon people started to notice the changes in his body. At first, their comments were positive and fueled his desire to continue, but eventually, they became concerned. However, Angus was determined to achieve the perfect body, and their concerns only made him feel like he was on the right track.
In the midst of his obsession with his body, Angus found himself in a good place with food and exercise. He had regular work on TV shows and had shifted his mindset to view food as fuel for his body, rather than labeling it as "good" or "bad". But in 2022, he was cast as an incel on Hollyoaks, and his struggles with food and body image started to mirror those of his character. He had just gone through a break-up and felt lonely, similar to how his character felt. In a way, he found comfort in playing this role and started to restrict his food intake once again. It began as a small effort to be more mindful of what he was eating, but soon turned into an obsession. Being on TV regularly also brought new challenges, as he watched his weight fluctuate and felt like any weight gain was a failure on his part.
Looking back, Angus realizes that his struggles with food and body image were not just an excuse for his role, but a deeper issue that he had been suppressing. Despite briefly finding a good place with food, he fell back into old patterns when faced with a new challenge. However, he eventually found a healthier mindset and learned to separate his self-worth from his appearance. With this new perspective, he has come to terms with his past mistakes and is determined to continue growing and improving as an actor and as a person.
At the age of 24, I experienced something that would change my life forever. I was on a train headed to London Bridge when my agent called. I had just landed the biggest acting job of my career. The excitement and celebrations were quickly followed by a growing sense of imposter syndrome. I had only had one TV job before this, and the thought of being hired for such a major role was both exhilarating and nerve-wracking.
I wanted to give my absolute best, to work harder than I ever had before. However, as a relatively new TV actor, I wasn't quite sure what that meant. Sure, I could learn my lines and get into my character's mindset, but it didn't feel like hard work. It was fun. I felt like I needed to do more, to be more. That's when it hit me - during the casting process, I was informed that the role would require nudity. Suddenly, I had a tangible goal to focus all my determination on - my body.
But this was just the beginning of my disordered relationship with my body. The truth is, I've always struggled with the way my body looked. Even as a child, I felt like I had to work twice as hard to have a body that I didn't hate. The men I looked up to were lean and athletic, effortlessly fitting into any clothes they wore. And then there was me - with my ginger hair, deep voice, and a protruding sternum. To make matters worse, in school plays, I was always cast as the old man, which only reinforced my feelings of being different.
By the time I was 15, I had already experimented with different diets. So when the opportunity presented itself in 2019, I felt like I had a legitimate reason to change my body. I started restricting my food intake and increasing my exercise. It wasn't long before my family noticed the changes in my appearance - my cheekbones became more pronounced, and my clothes started to hang loose on my body. At first, their comments were out of admiration, but soon they became concerned.
But with every remark about my weight and my food intake, I felt a sense of gratification. It meant that what I was doing was working. I was convinced that this was just a temporary sacrifice for my career, and I would go back to my old habits once the job was over. However, that was my second mistake.
I was fully aware of the unhealthy patterns I was developing, but I convinced myself that it was necessary for my role. In reality, it had nothing to do with my work, but rather an excuse I gave myself to continue these behaviors for years to come. But in 2021, I finally found myself in a good place with food and exercise. I had shifted my mindset and no longer attached my self-worth to my appearance. I thought I had turned a corner.
However, in 2022, I was cast as an incel, Eric Foster, on Hollyoaks. It was a strange coincidence how my personal struggles mirrored those of my character. I had just moved to Liverpool for filming and gone through a break-up, leaving me feeling quite lonely - much like Eric. And as things felt a bit out of control in both our lives, I found myself restricting my food intake once again.
At first, it was subtle - just being more mindful of what I ate. But before long, I was back to obsessing over food. Being on TV regularly meant that I saw my weight fluctuate throughout the year, and every time I felt like I had gained weight, I felt like a failure. In my mind, gaining weight equaled failure, and I had failed as an actor. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't break.
In the end, it took a toll on my mental and physical health. But I finally realized that my worth as an actor and as a person was not determined by my appearance. I had to shift my focus to my health and well-being, and not just my outward appearance. And with this realization, I truly turned a corner and found peace with my body and food.
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