June 9th 2024.
William understands that it's perfectly normal to change your mind about how you express yourself. As a trans man, I went through a phase of purging my old women's clothes when I first came out in September 2021. However, a few items managed to escape the charity shop, like my beloved sequined denim jacket and an old jumper with bright pink details. I also kept some sentimental jewelry gifted by my family, such as a beautiful pendant made by my aunt and a chain of pink and green gemstones. These were not just items I kept for feminine appearances, but things that brought me genuine joy and comfort.
Contrary to the stereotype that trans men should completely reject anything traditionally feminine, I even held onto my wedding dress from 2019, despite it not fitting me the same way anymore. While I got rid of some of my more feminine clothing, like bodycon dresses and a handkerchief skirt, deep down I knew that I might want them again someday. I even kept some French knickers because they made me feel good about myself. It was a gradual process, but I eventually started wearing some of these pieces again when I began to identify as non-binary and stepped away from the label of being a trans man.
Changing your mind and evolving in your self-expression is completely normal and valid. When I initially came out as non-binary at the age of 29, it was a moment of pure excitement as I finally recognized myself for who I truly am. Around the same time, I also started wearing a binder to help ease my chest dysphoria. It took me a while to fully grasp my masculinity, as I had been sexually assaulted by men in the past and had learned to fear that part of myself. But through self-reflection and meditation, I was able to accept masculinity as a neutral trait.
After all the work I put into becoming comfortable with my masculinity, I started identifying as a trans man in September 2021. It was a thrilling experience to finally be seen as myself and to revel in the newfound pride and confidence that came with it. I had been on testosterone for two years, which not only changed my physical appearance but also brought me peace with my body. I felt stronger and more confident in my own skin.
But as the honeymoon period of manhood began to fade, I no longer felt the need to conform to societal expectations of masculinity. I realized that I am not a man, and that's perfectly okay. Living as a trans man for two years served its purpose and I am grateful for the empowerment it brought me. However, just like an item of clothing that no longer represents who I am, it was time to let go of that label.
I didn't feel the need to come out as non-binary again, but I also didn't want to hide who I am. At the end of the day, I want to be unapologetically myself and defy anyone who tries to deny me my identity. This realization was just as complicated as navigating the logistics of my wardrobe and choosing what to wear. I still use a chest binder, which limits the types of clothing I can wear, and I worry about how I will be perceived by others when I wear something more traditionally feminine. But I refuse to let that fear hold me back from expressing myself authentically.
So, I've started small by wearing lacy socks, dyeing my hair a subtle raspberry purple, and wearing a pink-detailed jumper that sits just above my waistline. These may seem like small things, but they make me feel more comfortable and confident as I continue to explore my identity. Most of the time, I forget what life was like before I started my transition. The distance between then and now is a reminder of how far I've come and how worth it the journey has been.
We all have the right to express ourselves in a way that feels true to who we are. And we owe it to ourselves and the world to let our true selves shine. Anyone who says otherwise is limiting themselves and others by expecting us to conform to one identity or gender for our entire lives. But by embracing our authentic selves, we have the power to change the world and inspire others to do the same. It may be scary, but I've learned that it's worth it to be true to yourself and let your freak flag fly with pride and joy.
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