October 9th 2024.
Growing up, my home environment was unfortunately quite toxic. It's not something I've ever talked about with anyone, not even my closest friends. For most of my life, I've kept that part of myself as a closed book, trying to process the difficult memories and emotions that come with it.
But now that I have children of my own, it's become harder to avoid the topic. My son, only five years old but already absorbing information at lightning speed, asked me a question that I was dreading: "Mum... does everyone have two grandpas and two grandmas?" I froze, knowing that this day would come eventually. How could I explain to him that my children have never met my family because we are estranged?
Growing up, my childhood was tough. I won't go into the details, but it was filled with explosive anger, passive aggressiveness, and the silent treatment. As I got older, I found solace in education and spent most of my time studying in my bedroom. When I turned 24, I finally left my family home for good to attend medical school.
Even though I was physically distanced from my family, the emotional ties were still present. Every time I went back home for a visit, it was brief and suffocating. And when I got engaged eight years later, my relationship with my family only got worse. In Indian culture, weddings are heavily focused on family involvement, but my parents took a step back. I made the difficult decision to not invite them at all, and not a single family member was present on my wedding day.
When I became pregnant shortly after, I struggled with the thought of reaching out to my family. Part of me thought that maybe a baby could reunite us, but I was also worried about adding any additional stress to my high-risk pregnancy. In the end, I decided not to reach out and my son was born without any contact with my family.
As the years went by, I distanced myself further from my family. And now, eight years later, my children still haven't met my parents and I don't know anything about them either. I've been in therapy and joined support groups, trying to find some sense of understanding and support from others who have experienced similar situations.
But most importantly, I've worked hard to give my children a better childhood than I had. There are times when I envy them and wish I had the same sense of family that they take for granted. When my son asked me about his grandparents, I struggled to come up with an explanation. So I decided to write a children's book about familial estrangement, titled "Saanvi's Family Tree."
At first, I didn't tell anyone about the book. I just wanted to introduce the topic to my children in a way they could understand. But as I wrote, the words poured out of me and I ended up sending the manuscript to some publishers. To my surprise, it was published in May and has received great feedback from others who have struggled to explain estrangement to their children.
Writing this book has been cathartic for me, and I feel lucky to be able to help other families through my own experience. The shame and embarrassment I have carried for so long is starting to fade, and I am proud of all that I have accomplished on my own. This series, "Degrees of Separation," aims to give a nuanced look at familial estrangement and give a voice to those who have experienced it. If you have a story to share, please reach out.
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