September 19th 2024.
Fiona* is a woman who knows all too well the complexities of a tolyamorous relationship. In her own words, she explains, "I genuinely like him and I love the guy, but the concept of fidelity doesn't seem to matter much in our marriage." This is a dynamic where one or both partners tolerate their partner's outside sexual or romantic involvement without explicit consent or commitment to a polyamorous lifestyle. Coined by relationship podcaster Dan Savage, the term combines "tolerate" and "polyamory."
If you've never heard of tolyamory before, you're not alone. According to clinical relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Bishop, this relationship dynamic is more common than one might think. She explains, "I've had clients who have come to me struggling with the concept of tolyamory, encountering situations where couples have navigated the complexities of tolerating their partner's outside sexual or romantic contact without explicit consent."
For Fiona, this means tolerating her husband's infidelity while also admitting to straying outside the marriage herself. She shares, "He's a good husband, if we put aside his infidelities." Despite her husband's affairs, she is comfortable in the relationship and is willing to turn a blind eye as long as there are no STDs or pregnancies involved. But is tolyamory a healthy behavior?
According to Dr. Bishop, it's subjective. She explains, "It depends on the individuals involved and their specific circumstances. Ethically, it is crucial to prioritize open and honest communication, consent, and the well-being of all parties involved." She also emphasizes the importance of transparency, mutual respect, and clear boundaries in navigating non-monogamous relationships in a healthy manner.
Tolyamory is often compared to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT), another approach to infidelity in monogamous relationships. However, Dr. Bishop notes that there is a defining factor that sets them apart. "Tolyamory typically involves a non-consensual aspect where one partner tolerates the outside involvement of the other, whereas 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' often involves a mutual agreement to not discuss or disclose outside relationships," she explains.
So why do people settle for this kind of relationship dynamic? For the partner who is cheating, it could stem from a desire for novelty or emotional connections outside of the primary relationship. On the other hand, the person who is tolerating the infidelity may do so out of fear of losing the relationship. This could be due to low self-esteem, emotional dependence, practical considerations, or even a belief in the possibility of change.
Dr. Bishop also points out that everyone in this type of relationship will have their own personal motivations and reasons for staying. However, she notes that if you are experiencing feelings of discomfort, insecurity, or betrayal due to your partner's outside involvement without your consent, it may be a sign that you are in a tolyamorous relationship.
If you find yourself in this type of relationship, seeking guidance from a qualified therapist can provide valuable support and help you explore your emotions, desires, and relationship dynamics. And if you have suspicions that your partner may be cheating, trust your gut instincts and look out for changes in behavior, secrecy, lack of intimacy, and other signs that may indicate infidelity.
Regardless of whether you are experiencing tolyamory or not, it's important to recognize and honor your own emotions and needs in any relationship. Remember, it's always okay to seek help and support when navigating complex relationship dynamics.
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