February 8th 2025.
As time goes on, she can't help but question how long they can continue living out their fantasy. We all have our own unique desires and kinks when it comes to our sex lives, whether it be a preference for vanilla or a desire to explore our boundaries. This week, we hear from a reader who is struggling with her partner's unconventional desire: he enjoys watching her sleep with other men. They have indulged in this fantasy for quite some time, but as she starts thinking about their future together, she can't seem to shake the feeling that if they were to stop, it would be the end of their relationship. Before delving into the advice, don't forget to catch up on last week's column about a grieving son who is torn between prioritizing his love life or his family.
The issue at hand is that for the past 18 months, I have been living with my boyfriend and our relationship has been great overall. We both have successful careers and a vibrant social life, with plans to eventually tie the knot. From an outsider's perspective, we may seem like the perfect "Barbie and Ken" couple, always putting effort into our appearances and making a good impression. However, there is one aspect of our relationship that is quite unconventional - my partner has a strong desire to watch other men have sex with me.
He would never consider allowing me to have an affair or engage in sexual activities without him present, but every few weeks we find ourselves picking up men at pubs far from our home or booking someone online. We always stay in hotels to ensure our privacy, and we never have trouble finding willing participants. According to my partner, this was also a dynamic in his previous relationship, but his ex eventually decided it wasn't the lifestyle for her and ended things. He claims that if he had agreed to change and commit to a monogamous relationship, she would have stayed. However, he insists that this is not something he wants.
I've tried to understand why this is so important to him, but he can't seem to give me a clear answer. I do want to have children in the next couple of years, and in my mind, this kind of lifestyle would have to come to an end. But the implication is that if I were to choose to be with only him, our relationship would be over. I want to hear your thoughts on this matter. Share your opinion in the comments below.
Now for the advice...I can't help but wonder, how devastating would it really be if your relationship with this guy ended? It seems as though you have convinced yourself that this kind of sexual dynamic is acceptable, but it sounds like you may be doing it more to please your partner rather than yourself. And I'm sure the men you pick up also have a great time. If it is truly consensual, then there is nothing inherently wrong with what you are doing. However, if you are only going along with it to please your partner, then that is not a healthy dynamic.
Picking up strangers for sexual encounters can be quite risky, and the fact that your partner is comfortable putting you in these situations tells me that he may be more concerned with his own gratification rather than your well-being. Your needs and desires are just as important as his, and if at any point you no longer want to continue with this lifestyle, it is important that you communicate that to him.
Some people find that when they become parents, their priorities shift. If your partner is not open to changing his ways, then perhaps he is not ready for the kind of family life you envision for yourself. Breaking up is never easy, but it's important to stand up for yourself and your values. Marrying the wrong person could lead to an unhappy future, and you may end up regretting not addressing this issue sooner.
Laura, a counsellor and columnist, is here to offer her expert advice. Do you have a sex and dating dilemma? Share your problem with her by sending an email to
[email protected]. And if you have a story to share, don't hesitate to reach out by emailing us. We would love to hear from you.
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