September 1st 2024.
Alex shares that for a long time, they would eat until they were uncomfortably full and then feel a wave of shame wash over them. They thought that there was something deeply wrong with them and couldn't understand why they had such a complicated relationship with food. Whether they were hungry or not, they would turn to food and had strict rules around what and how much they could eat. It often felt like they had no control and would end up feeling guilty and disgusted with themselves.
It wasn't until much later that Alex realized they were experiencing symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder, something that developed when they were just 15 years old, shortly after their father's passing. It was an incredibly painful and intense experience, with only five months between their father's diagnosis and his death. Alex vividly remembers the day their dad passed away, as they had to call for an ambulance and watch helplessly as their dad was taken away.
Losing their father at such a young age meant that Alex had to quickly take on the role of a pseudo-adult, supporting their mother and brother emotionally while also grieving themselves. During this time, food became a source of comfort and safety for Alex. It felt like a warm blanket, a support system that they desperately needed through such a difficult period in their life. Little did they know, the food was acting as a form of medicine, numbing all the intense and overwhelming emotions they were experiencing.
Alex recalls one evening when they were sitting on the sofa, watching TV and suddenly had a strong craving for pizza. At the same time, they also knew that they didn't want to give in to the urge. But the craving was so strong that they couldn't focus on anything else and felt fearful of what would happen if they didn't satisfy it. Eventually, they gave in and ordered a pizza, along with three bags of crisps and some chocolate. They ate everything quickly and without any control, feeling like they needed to consume as much as possible as fast as possible.
Afterwards, the guilt and shame would set in and Alex would feel disgusted by their own behavior. They would spend the rest of the evening eating more chocolate, using it as a way to cope with the negative emotions they were feeling. This was just one instance of Alex's binge eating, but it was a pattern that would continue for years.
Alex shares that their bingeing episodes often happened on the sofa in the evening, but that wasn't the only challenging behavior they struggled with. Their mood was often influenced by what the scale said, and they would hyper focus on certain parts of their body, feeling disgusted and wishing they looked different. There were days when they would restrict their food intake to the point of extreme hunger, and then give in to the urge to eat everything in sight.
By the time they were 21, Alex had spent a lot of money trying to heal from their binge eating, but nothing seemed to work. They tried every diet out there, read countless books, and even went to therapy and alternative healing methods. While some things brought temporary relief, the urges to binge would always come back.
Eventually, Alex found a psychologist who helped them work through the experiences surrounding their father's death. They learned about the emotional burden they had taken on as a young teenager and the loneliness they felt with no one to turn to for support. This helped them build compassion for themselves and their relationship with food started to improve. However, they still felt like there was some underlying issue that needed to be addressed.
That's when Alex sought help from a somatic therapist, who focuses on the mind-body connection. For the first time, they started to feel fully in control of their choices and empowered in their body and around food. They moved away from a shame-based relationship with themselves and towards one of love and compassion.
Healing from binge eating meant allowing all parts of themselves to exist and giving love to the parts that were in pain. They learned how to be with their emotions and intense sensations without using food to numb them. Now, they know how to nourish themselves and find safety beyond food.
Alex wants others to know that binge eating is a normal response to difficult experiences and should not be seen as a sign of failure or weakness. It's important to seek help and support, whether it's connected to grief or not, and know that it's never really about the food. Healing takes time and patience, but it is possible. They encourage others to share their stories and find support through organizations like BEAT.
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