November 18th 2024.
As a parent, there are certain things you never want to experience, and burying your own child is one of them. It's something I never thought I would have to do, but unfortunately, that's exactly what happened when my son, Logan, was just three months old.
It was October 2020 when my then-partner, Gary, put Logan to sleep in a V-shaped pregnancy pillow next to our bed. He was fed, clean, and everything seemed fine. But tragically, he never woke up. The coroner's ruling at the inquest into his death in August this year stated that co-sleeping in bed with his father was a contributing factor to his untimely passing. I will forever regret that night for as long as I live.
When Gary and I found out that I was pregnant, we were overjoyed. We had only been trying for a couple of months, and we couldn't wait to expand our family. At our 20-week scan, we had a gender reveal party where we popped a black balloon and were showered in blue confetti. I loved shopping for all the baby essentials, from strollers to onesies, and everything was blue.
On 11 July 2020, our precious Logan was born at 38 weeks. Due to some complications, I had to have an emergency C-section. But thankfully, he was healthy and the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I was instantly in love with his tiny feet, bright blue eyes, and little button nose. We quickly fell into a routine at home, with bath time, a soothing cream, a bottle, and then off to his cot.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, also known as "cot death," is the sudden and unexpected death of a seemingly healthy baby. The exact cause is still unknown, but factors such as prematurity, tobacco smoke, bedding entanglement, minor illnesses, and breathing obstructions can increase the risk. Sleeping on a sofa or armchair with an adult also poses a danger. For more information on how to reduce the risk of SIDS, please visit the NHS website.
Before Logan's passing, I had friends who warned me about the dangers of co-sleeping. They shared that the risk of SIDS is 50 times higher when a baby sleeps on a sofa or armchair with an adult and that they can easily suffocate or get trapped. So, I knew what I had to do to keep my baby safe while he slept. We always placed him in his cot next to our bed, with just a blanket to keep him warm.
Each day, Logan seemed to grow more and more, surpassing other babies his age. At just 12 weeks old, he was already trying solid foods and fitting into clothes meant for nine-month-olds. He was growing so quickly, and I couldn't help but imagine all the things he would do and achieve in the future. I could see him giggling at cartoons, becoming obsessed with superheroes, and playing football in the backyard.
There was so much to look forward to, and I couldn't wait to prepare for his future by stocking up on big boy strollers, bath chairs, and play mats. But one night took all of that away from us. Saturday, 17 October 2020, started off like any other family day. Logan had a little cold, but nothing out of the ordinary. Our health visitor suggested we stay indoors, so we spent the day watching Disney movies and snacking on KFC.
I fell asleep on the sofa, and Gary gave Logan his last feed around midnight. Instead of placing him in his cot like usual, he settled him into the pregnancy pillow next to him on our bed. In the early hours of the morning, I woke up to Gary's screams: "He's not breathing, he's not breathing!" I rushed upstairs, but as soon as I saw Logan, I knew it was too late.
As a parent, I never could have imagined having to bury my own child. It's a heartbreaking experience that no one should have to go through. Unfortunately, it's exactly what I had to do when my son Logan was just three months old.
Back in October 2020, my partner Gary put Logan to sleep in a V-shaped pregnancy pillow next to our bed. He was well-fed, clean, and should have been perfectly safe. Little did we know, tragedy was about to strike and our son would never wake up.
After months of waiting, the coroner's inquest into Logan's death finally took place in August of this year. It was determined that co-sleeping in bed with his father was a contributing factor to his passing. I will forever carry the weight of that night with me.
When Gary and I first found out we were expecting, we were overjoyed. Our excitement only grew as we anticipated expanding our family. We even had a gender reveal party, where we were showered in blue confetti, announcing that we were having a baby boy.
I loved preparing for Logan's arrival. From picking out a pram and high chair to buying all sorts of blue baby clothes and blankets, everything was ready for our little one. But little did we know, our joy would soon turn to unimaginable grief.
On July 11, 2020, Logan was born at 38 weeks via emergency C-section. Scans had revealed that I was carrying extra fluid and there was a knot in his umbilical cord, making the surgery necessary. Despite the complications, our son was born healthy and absolutely perfect. I was immediately smitten with his tiny feet, bright blue eyes, and precious button nose.
Once we were back home, we quickly settled into a routine with Logan. A bath, some Johnson's night-time cream with lavender to help him sleep, a bottle, and then into his cot. We were doing everything we could to ensure our baby was safe and sound.
Sadly, we were unaware of the dangers of co-sleeping. Our friends with children had warned us about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and the risks of sleeping on a sofa or armchair with a baby. They had explained that the risk of SIDS is 50 times higher when sleeping in these situations and that babies can easily become trapped and unable to breathe. Despite their warnings, we still didn't think anything could happen to our precious Logan.
Each day, Logan seemed to be growing and developing at an alarming rate. He was ahead of other babies his age, already tasting foods like baby rice and wearing clothes meant for nine-month-olds at just 12 weeks old. I was so excited for his future and couldn't wait to see him grow into a little boy with his own unique interests and personality.
But then, one night changed everything. Saturday, October 17, 2020, was just like any other day for our family. Logan had a little cold, so we decided to stay in and watch Disney movies while indulging in some KFC. I fell asleep on the sofa, and Gary gave Logan his last feed around midnight before putting him to sleep in the pregnancy pillow next to him on our bed - something we had never done before.
The next morning, I was jolted awake by Gary's screams. He was frantically yelling, "He's not breathing, he's not breathing!" I ran upstairs and saw Logan lying on the bed, lifeless. In that moment, my heart shattered into a million pieces and I knew that our future with Logan was gone.
As I reflect on that tragic night and everything that has happened since, I am filled with regret. But I also hold on to the memories of my beautiful son and the dreams we had for his future. Logan will always be my son, no matter what.
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