September 19th 2024.
Shouldering the mental load in a relationship can be a total mood killer. I experienced this firsthand during my two-and-a-half year relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We had moved in together and soon after, my sex drive seemed to vanish. It wasn't just the lack of physical intimacy that bothered me, but also the fact that I had to constantly ask him to plan dates for us. My life became a never-ending cycle of cleaning our flat, fixing the toilet he clogged, deciding what to eat and cooking every night. He never thought to do any of these things on his own, without me having to tell him. I couldn't rely on him for anything. This lack of responsibility and accountability for even the simplest tasks made sex feel like a chore, if it even happened at all. And it's not hard to see why.
According to licensed professional counsellor Rychel Johnson, desire in a relationship is a delicate balance between emotional intimacy and everyday acts of consideration. When those small gestures of support and consideration start to fade, it's no surprise that the sexual spark fizzles out as well. Rychel explains that most of us don't find household chores or a parent-child dynamic very appealing. My ex-boyfriend never took the initiative in our relationship, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
There's a primal need in all of us to feel cherished and partnered with, not just catered to and micro-managed. When one person shoulders the majority of the mental load, it can create a resentment that slowly kills the romantic desire. It's the unseen "cognitive labor" involved in managing a household or relationship that is the real mood killer. This classic heteronormative dynamic can often leave women feeling dissatisfied and disgruntled, as evidenced by the sentiments shared in Gillian Anderson's book, Want.
One woman shared her sexual fantasy of having her husband take on household tasks and make decisions for once. Another shared her desire to surrender and let someone else take control of her life. Relationship psychologist Mairead Molloy explains that this is because sharing chores and responsibilities can contribute to emotional foreplay. A UK study found that the majority of women still shoulder the burden of household tasks, spending an average of 36 hours per week on these tasks. This can lead to a decrease in sex drive, as I experienced in my own relationship.
Mairead has observed this dynamic in many couples seeking her help, with older men tending to be more guilty of this behavior. She notes that younger men are often more willing to help with household chores. Regardless of gender, if one person is constantly shouldering the mental load, it can have a negative impact on their sex drive. It's important for both partners to share the responsibilities and make an effort to consider each other's needs in order to maintain a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.
Shouldering the mental load can be a total mood killer, and I know this from personal experience. I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for two-and-a-half years. We moved in together and soon after, my sex drive seemed to disappear completely. It's not like the passion just evaporated overnight - there were underlying issues at play.
One of the biggest issues was the fact that I always had to ask him to plan a date for us. It may seem like a small thing, but it was just one example of the larger problem at hand. My life became a never-ending cycle of taking care of our flat, unclogging the toilet he blocked, deciding what to eat for dinner, and cooking every night. And the thought to do any of these things never seemed to cross his mind without me having to explicitly ask him to do so. Could I rely on him? Absolutely not.
This lack of responsibility and accountability for even the most mindless of tasks left me feeling resentful and overwhelmed. And it's no surprise that this feeling spilled over into our sex life. It became a chore for me, if it even happened at all. I couldn't help but feel frustrated and unfulfilled. How can you feel sexy and in the mood when you're constantly having to take on the mental load of managing a household and a relationship?
Licensed professional counsellor Rychel Johnson explains it perfectly. She says, "Desire is a delicate interplay between emotional intimacy and everyday acts of consideration. And when those seemingly small gestures of support fade from the rhythm of couplehood, it's little wonder the sexual spark often fizzles out right alongside them." It's not just about the physical aspect of sex, but also the emotional connection and feeling of being in a partnership.
Rychel points out that most of us don't find household drudgery or a parent-child dynamic very appealing. And yet, that's exactly what it can feel like when one person is taking on the majority of the mental load in a relationship. My ex-boyfriend never took the initiative, and it left me feeling like I was constantly mothering him rather than being in a romantic partnership.
Relationship psychologist Mairead Molloy echoes this sentiment, explaining that this dynamic is intrinsically linked to sex because the sharing of chores contributes to "emotional foreplay." A UK study found that 72% of women say they do the majority of household tasks, with women being five times more likely to be tasked with cleaning and tidying than men. This can lead to feelings of resentment and imbalance in the relationship, ultimately affecting the emotional and physical intimacy between partners.
It's a sentiment that is shared by women all over the world. In Gillian Anderson's book, Want, which collates the sexual fantasies of women, one woman shares her fantasy of having her husband take on more household tasks and make decisions without her having to ask. Another woman expresses her desire to surrender and be completely possessed by someone, without having to constantly make choices and take on emotional labor.
Unfortunately, this dynamic is all too common in relationships. As psychologist Mairead notes, it's a pattern she sees often with couples seeking her help. And interestingly, she adds that it's usually older men who tend to exhibit this behavior. Younger men, on the other hand, are more willing to help with household chores and share the mental load.
So, if you feel like you're shouldering the mental load in your relationship, it's not surprising that your sex drive may suffer. It's a heavy burden to bear, and it can leave you feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and unsexy. But there are ways to address this issue and find a more balanced and fulfilling dynamic in your relationship. And remember, you're not alone - many women are in the same boat and are looking for ways to improve their relationships and sex lives.
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