December 25th 2024.
As I sat in front of my laptop, anxiously waiting for the Teams call to start, my husband Charles was right beside me, his hand tightly gripping mine. It was September 17, 2020, and we were about to receive the results of his recent medical tests from a consultant through a video call, amidst the chaos of the Covid-19 pandemic.
The call began and the doctor wasted no time in delivering the news we had been dreading. "Mr. Hine, I'm afraid your test results have come back and you have been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia." Our hearts sank. We didn't know much about dementia, but we were aware of its devastating effects. Lewy Body Dementia is the third most common form and can manifest in various ways, including difficulty with movement, focus, and sleep, as well as delusions.
I'll never forget the look on Charles' face after hearing this news. We both felt a mix of emotions - relief that we finally had an answer, fear of the unknown, and anxiety about what the future held. We had made a vow to love each other in sickness and in health when we got married almost 15 years ago, and now it was time to hold onto those vows more than ever.
I first met Charles in 2003 at a summer school for musicians. There was an instant connection between us. He was the epitome of a perfect gentleman - kind, caring, and with a sharp wit and vast knowledge that never failed to impress me. Within a few days, we had confessed our feelings for each other and three years later, we were married.
One of our favorite things to do together was to watch the BBC show Gavin and Stacey, which premiered in 2007. It held a special place in our hearts because I grew up in Barry Island, one of the main filming locations, and Charles lived in Essex. We would watch the show with great fondness, as we saw ourselves mirrored in the main couple's relationship - not just geographically, but in many other ways. We would spend hours on the phone chatting because of the long distance, and I even started using Nessa's famous catchphrase "what's occurin" whenever we visited each other.
Charles, being a successful musician, would often include me in his concerts as a percussionist and would introduce me to the audience as his "Stacey". Sometimes, he would even do this if I was just sitting in the audience. It became a core part of our relationship. But in 2016, my "Gavin" started to change.
We went to the GP in May 2016, and Charles mentioned the possibility of dementia, but he was sent away after performing well on a short-term memory test. The changes were occasional at first, but they became increasingly frequent over the years. He would become confused, fall or trip more often, and his driving became erratic. So in 2019, I begged the GP to refer Charles to a memory clinic. His test scores were alarmingly low, which was a cause for concern as Charles was a highly intelligent individual.
In January 2020, he was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, but after further testing, he was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia nine months later. This is when our lives truly changed. I went from being his wife and best friend to becoming his full-time carer. It was a heartbreaking transition that no amount of warning or training could have prepared me for.
Charles could no longer find his way around our house, and he required help with intimate tasks. He became doubly incontinent, and I would often wake up multiple times in the night to check on him, change his clothes, feed him, and make sure he took his medication - all while trying to manage on minimal sleep. It was an exhausting and emotionally draining experience. Trying to sleep felt like being tortured, with lights and alarms constantly going off throughout the night.
In February 2021, I turned to Alzheimer's Society for help. I attended weekly groups and regularly spoke to a Dementia Advisor. Their website became my bible, guiding me through this dark time and providing practical advice on day-to-day care. Reading real-life stories from others in similar situations made me feel less alone.
I gave up my part-time job in August 2020, and Charles was admitted to a nursing home in late October 2023 after being hospitalized for gastro-intestinal blockage. His hallucinations and delusions increased during this time, and the level of care provided at the nursing home was abysmal. Most of the carers showed no signs of compassion towards Charles, which caused him a great deal of distress. I felt helpless and still struggle to comprehend the lack of empathy shown by some of the staff.
On New Year's Day in 2024, I told Charles it was okay to let go. He didn't have to hold on any longer, he could be with Laura - his first wife who passed away on New Year's Day 31 years ago - and their miscarried child, Jackie. I left the nursing home to get some fresh air, and when I returned, I knelt by Charles' side. He took his final breath as I held his hand.
In a way, his passing brought some relief as I knew he was no longer in pain. But the heartbreak of losing my "Gavin" was indescribable. This festive season will be the first without him, and it feels strange to spend Christmas without him after 20 years of marriage.
When I saw the announcement for this year's final episode of Gavin and Stacey, it made me smile and think of Charles. But it also served as a heartbreaking reminder that he won't be here to share the occasion with me. On Christmas day, I will visit his grave and watch the Christmas special with my new partner, John, who has been incredibly supportive and caring. It will be a bittersweet moment as I cherish and mourn the life I had with Charles. But as I look towards the future with John, I know that Charles is smiling down on me, proud of the new life I am building.
As Uncle Bryn famously said during Stacey's wedding episode, "I'm so sorry I'm not there for you today, Stace. But I'll be there in spirit, and remember, whenever you need me, I'll be listening. I love you always." That's how I feel about Charles - he may not be physically here, but his love and spirit will always be with me.
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